James Lavin

All I Want for Christmas

2007-12-08T14:46:00.001Z

I usually find that over the course of my adult life, I've learnt to supress the urge to be bitter and generally try to control any desire to bitch at my fellow man. However, once in a while, something happens that makes me first watch in disbelief and then secondly, leaves me in heaps of hysterical laughter!

Early this Friday evening just passed, I was cooking dinner and flicking through the kitchen TV channels for some background noise. I landed on BBC2 just as Claudia Winkleman announced that Craig Revel Horwood was about to sing. Now for my American Friends, I need to explain that Craig is one of the judges on "Strictly Come Dancing" or as you know it, "Dancing With The Stars". I should further explain that Craig is the uber-bitch in residence, the one who is expected to spot the slightest flaw, exagerate it beyond belief and then use that to belittle and undermine the contestants with such vehemence, there is no wonder they wince in agony.

So imagine my delight at seeing the attached clip. At first, I thought it was a comedy moment, but then I realised Children in Need was last month! The facial gymnastics alone are enough to reduce even the most staid of us into mild hysteria. But the combination of that mixed with 'leaves much to be desired' vocal talent and an appalling arrangement reminds me that I need to thank you Craig. I have to thank you for making a complete tit of yourself on national TV and for taking one of my favourite Christmas songs and making it better.

I thought I'd died and gone to "piss my pants from too much laughing" heaven!

I Want to be Famous

2007-12-06T14:27:00.000Z

A gunman has opened fire with a rifle in a shopping centre in the US state of Nebraska, killing eight people before fatally shooting himself, police say.

A further five people were wounded - two critically - in the shooting at the Westroads Mall in Omaha.

Police have identified the gunman as Robert Hawkins, 19, from Bellevue, close to Omaha. They said a suicide note had been recovered.

The incident is the latest in a series of mass shootings in the US, which have reignited the debate in the US about gun ownership. The Supreme Court will consider Americans' right to bear arms early next year for the first time in nearly 70 years.

The gunman, Robert Hawkins, is said to have suffered from depression in the past, and recently lost his job at McDonald's and broke up with his girlfriend.

He was living with a friend's family in Bellevue, an Omaha suburb. His friend's mother, Debora Maruca Kovac, told the Associated Press news agency that when he first came to live with them, "he was introverted, a troubled young man who was like a lost pound puppy that nobody wanted".

She said he phoned her about 13:00 on Wednesday, telling her that he had left a note for her in his bedroom. She tried to get him to explain. "He said, 'It's too late'," and then hung up, she told CNN. In the note, she said, Hawkins had written that "he was sorry for everything, that he didn't want to be a burden to anybody, he loved his family, he loved all of his friends".

She said the note went on to say he wanted to be famous.

**********

There is no point in pointing fingers and laying blame, the tragedy has happened and I along with so many others can only offer sympathies and condolences to the families involved.

But once again, it does mean that actions need supporting. Next year, when the Supreme Court sits in review, don't sit on your laurels. Stand up and be counted.

But even now there are things you can do to hopefully prevent tragedies such as this happening in the future. You can support the work of people who are already out there trying to make a difference. People such as Little Ricky Productions

Say a Little Prayer

2007-11-19T13:31:00.000Z

Its that time of year again.

On Thursday, 22nd November, our American cousins will sit at their tables with their families and loved ones to pay homage to the time honoured tradition of Thanksgiving.

So this year, I thought I'd like to remind you of a few things to give thanks for whilst you're gathered at your tables groaning with turkey (apologies if you're vegan/vegetarian/pescetarian), sweet potato mash and pumpkin pie.

So lets start with one that is close to the heart of all Americans;

» The $100 barrel of oil that has meant that for the majority of states, the cost of a gallon of gas has exceeded the $3 mark.

» The weakest the Dollar has been against international markets in over 25 years.

» The collapse of the Prime Mortgage market, further weakening the dollar, but more importantly seeing families left broken, penniless and in many cases, homeless for the 2007 Holiday Season (hmm, I think that one may fall into the Crimes Against Humanity category)

And whilst we're talking of crimes against humanity, let remember;

» The inception of Guantanamo Bay. Lets face it, if any non-westernised country had developed such a program, the rest of the world would be aghast at such horrors, not that many of us aren't already.

» The invasion of Iraq. Or more notably, the 3,871 American Servicemen and woman and 171 UK Troops who at today's date have died fighting in an unnecessary war. The 6,346 Iraqi forces who have given their lives for their belief in their country, and finally and most importantly, the 38,651 innocent people who just happened to be in the way.

The list of atrocities is endless. I could go on and on, but I want to get to the point.

This year, whilst you're sat at your tables and saying grace, remember to be thankful that your imbecilic fuckwit of a President, the two immoral and nefarious villains namely Cheney & Rice that actually pull his strings, and the rest of his crooked administration have only 427 days left in office.

You guys do get sarcasm, right?

Reading back ...

2007-11-04T16:30:00.000Z

... over my blog, I've come to realise that I do tend to harp on about nothing more than a load of sanctimonious, arrogant twaddle. Well, all that ends right now!

Sorry I've been away for so long, but I've 'stuff' I'm dealing with and choosing to do it privately. However, a new Myspace friend had stopped by here recently and commented that maybe I should blog again. And at the risk of repeating myself, reading back over my selfish gripes has shown me two things. Firstly, I can write (and argue) convincingly well when I put my mind to it. But secondly and more importantly, with the exception of my last post "That Was The Week That Was" (see below), all of my posts, rather than achieving their goal of being cathartic, have achieved quite the opposite. They've inadvertently enabled me to adopt a characteristic I abhor most of all.

I've become intolerant. And is not only of others, but as a result of this recent realisation, its also of myself.

Intolerance is born out of fear. A lack of understanding, an unwillingness to learn. It is the seed of hatred. Hatred feeds the fear, and a catch 22 situation is born. We end up in a never ending cycle of prejudgments, assumptions and distrust. That intolerance is responsible for every hate crime ever committed, and I'm talking everything from gay bashing and race crimes to war.

Now I know that over time, as we grow and hopefully learn, we all discover a little and sometimes a large amount of information about things, places and people that we dislike. And as such we subsequently learn to avoid them at all costs. Nothing can be worse than being put in a situation we're so unhappy with that the preceding anxiety can be, and often is, debilitating. On the whole this is a good thing, its our instincts taking over, our in-built default safety settings ensuring our survival, whether it be physical or emotional. But when intolerance becomes the default position, then its time to challenge it. Especially if we recognise it in ourselves.

I used to pride myself on my level of tolerance, even boasted about it to some degree. My close friends saw it in me too. I have always been open to new experiences and new people. I have always given everyone the benefit of the doubt, and welcomed them respectfully into my circle until they have proved that they don't really belong there. I was the one who always preached that it is our differences that make us interesting. And I can always see at least two sides to every story or situation, even though sometimes I have been known to use that just to be controversial.

But all these skills, the loss of my usual "default position" was highlighted to me in a conversation last weekend with a very dear friend (Thank you Richard). Remember at the beginning I said I have stuff I'm dealing with privately? Well as a result of that stuff, he said I had a right to feel selfish. It was at that moment that the proverbial light bulb switched on in my head. That stuff is the one thing that should act as a constant reminder to me that what we see on the surface is not necessarily a true reflection of what's going on underneath.

Henceforth, I've become intolerant of my own intolerance. And for anyone reading this, I'd like you to do a quick spot-check of your own intolerances and see if any of them need challenging too. I think you may just surprise or even shock yourselves!

OK. I take back what I said at the beginning about not writing anymore self-deprecating crap, that was all very "Me! Me! Me!" wasn't it. And I recognise that maybe a leopard can't change its spots, but it can work hard to ensure its spots won't define it.

Peace!!!

That Was The Week That Was

2007-04-21T12:24:00.000Z

In light of the recent Virginia Tech massacre and the ensuing Texan NASA hostage situation and subsequent deaths, I’d like to share a blog article posted by a friend on Myspace and my subsequent response. I haven’t asked his permission to do this so far, so it may disappear shortly, but I thought it necessary that this issue reach as wide an audience as possible, and its also an opportunity to shamelessly promote the work of someone who really is trying to make a difference.

From Richard Lear on Myspace

A friend wrote a statement about Virginia Tech and the right to bear arms, and it has brought me back to the reason I created my company, Little Ricky Productions. Our problems are much deeper than a simple right to bear arms.

I am a firm believer that the film industry is at least partly responsible for what has happened in society. The public is barraged with shoot-em-up films where no one pays a price. An arsenal of weapons appears out of thin air. A mass onslaught occurs and many people are killed. The good guy never dies or shows remorse for the people he/she has killed. The public is desensitised by the blood and gore that is plastered on every screen.

Sure, the majority will not go slaughter a bunch of people because a rapper tells them to kill their bitch or a film shows them how, but the few that will watch and listen to the same things.

I do not believe that violence should be removed from film. Our world is clearly a violent place. Rarely can you turn on the television without hearing of a murder, or some other tragedy like Virginia Tech. And when we look at the revenue generated from murder mystery novels alone this leads one to believe society is fascinated by it. I just feel the entertainment industry has gone too far. Alfred Hitchcock frightened the world to death with a knife, a shower curtain and a can of Hershey's syrup. When do we start using our creativity and utilize suspense instead of gore? When do we show the viewer the ramifications of these types of actions?

I believe it goes back to "what we are putting into the human animal." If you feed it full of gun fights with bitches and ho's, what can you expect? Pavlov's dog is not exclusive to the animal kingdom. We absorb our world and react accordingly.

When do we start acknowledging that killing is not acceptable? Only during periods of tragedy?

When do we show the devastation of the survivors?

When do we start respecting ourselves?

How many of the following do we need to want to make a change?

James Byrd Jr. – Dragged to his death behind a truck because he was African American.

Matthew Shepard – Tied to a fence, beaten and set on fire because he was gay.

Billy Jack Gathers – Murdered and then thrown onto a pyre of burning tires to dispose of his body because he was gay.

The 8 year old boy that shot his female classmate with a gun he found in a night stand.

Columbine High School Shooting

West Nickel Mines School Shooting

There are many more.

Shouldn't we be concerned? Shouldn't we start to feed the public a different outcome? Do you think that maybe we can make a difference in our world simply by changing how we display violence in film and television?

I hope so because that is what I plan to do.

Richard Lear

Little Ricky Productions

www.littlerickyproductions.com

The Repsonse

Richard

I’m so pleased you wrote this and I commend you too for your devotion to such a worthy cause.

You’re absolutely right. The media, especially film, has a hell of a lot to answer for in its glamorisations of death and destruction without balancing out any of the consequences. This ritualistic desensitisation has, over the years, contributed to society’s ever increasing intolerance toward not only our international neighbours, but our next-door ones too!

But as you rightly pointed out in my original bulletin, the problems run deeper than just the right to bear arms. We need to incorporate all visual media in this. No type of medium affects a person more readily. TV itself creates and runs series that promote and glamorise violence & hatred and again fail to show the realities or the consequences. Look at ‘The Sopranos’ as one example; not a week goes by where someone isn’t beaten or murdered. ‘Cop Shows’ are another. It seems in many ways that violence can only be treated with violence. No wonder no one has any faith in the police service anymore.

Music TV is a major culprit. MTV, VH1 and the hundred or so other music channels all devote specific time to this specific genre of music that invokes us all to be pimps, gangsta’s and beyond. Only this time, you get an insinuation of a lifestyle, the glamour it can bring and all in three minutes or thereabouts.

And lets not forget the news agencies, quite possibly one of the biggest offenders of them all. These agencies originally created to report current affairs in an unbiased fashion regularly fail to do so. Look at the criticism CNN came under during its reporting of the Iraq war. The American expatriate community here in London were appalled at how CNN consistently withheld information and yet they were able to receive readily on channels such as Sky News and BBC 24. These news agencies often have political affiliations and operate selective propaganda policies. Of course, we all know that without the support of the mighty dollar, they wouldn’t exist. But by selling themselves out, aren’t they also selling out the people they’re meant to be keeping informed?

You mention the story of the 8 year old that took a gun from a nightstand and then shot his classmate. One needs to ask who is to blame here? Is it the child for pulling the trigger, the parent for irresponsibly storing the gun, the store for selling to the parent or possibly the black-marketeer for selling from the boot of a car on a street corner. Maybe it’s the manufacturer, or maybe it’s the government for allowing the possession of weapons in the first place.

There are many reasons for where we are today and many places to lay blame. When problems occur, they need investigation and resolution. A quick fix is never a good idea. A bicycle tyre may continue to work after repair, but its never going to last. And as such, quick fixes to national problems never work either. The second amendment may have given an initial impression of safety, but the secondary fear within that is that everyone suspects everyone else may have a gun. The problem with fear is that people tend to act first and think later. If everyone has a gun, the outcome is inevitable.

If that child had not found that weapon, there would have been no bloodshed within that school. If guns are made illegal, and amnesties in place for weapons to be handed over without reprise, then people will follow. Its not a quick fix, it never could be. I live in a nation were to bear arms without licence or responsible storage is illegal. Percentages of murders per capita on nation versus nation show a vast difference. Intolerance of weapons has proved successful here; maybe it could there too. It’s the start of a change in mentality, much the same as you are admirably trying to affect with Little Ricky Productions, for this you should be applauded.

So once again I’ll state why the second amendment is a stupid amendment. Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.

So lets not give them guns in the first place.

***********

If you would like to see and support the work of Little Ricky Productions, or contact Richard Lear, please click on either name and follow the links.

MEN!

2007-04-11T11:37:00.000Z

ARRRRGH!!!

Sorry. Just needed to scream and let some frustration out!

Why is it, that just when you think things may finally be working out for you, that someone decides to go and pull the rug out from under your feet?

I'm talking of course about a man. And true to form, I'm not naming names. Some may be able to work it out regardless. But this is my rant, not yours, so pleased don't make any disrespectful comments toward him as you'll never know all the 'ins and outs' of it, and I'm not going to bore you with that much detail! The image is in no way representational of him, its a generalisation of those that have no awareness of how they treat others.

I am however going to let it be known that I really resent the past. Not history, but our own individual pasts. The parts of it that teach us lessons, good or bad, but mainly the pieces of it that subconciously teaches us to be afraid of letting go and risking everything. I resent people who hurt others and make sure its almost impossible for the rest of us to get through the years of barriers created by emotional abuse and the wreckage the abusers leave behind.

Its unfair, we shouldn't have to do it. I'm not saying that I'm baggage free, that would be an outright lie. And its not that I'm not prepared to be with someone who has baggage either. We all have it, and if you love a person, you take them warts and all, I'm more than ready for that. Things have now been said that can't be taken back, and we shouldn't have to. They're valid wants, needs and concerns from both parties.

But the parts I resent above all others are the parts the make the initial barrier so high that's it damn near impossible to scale.

Well, if Hilary can scale Everest, I can scale this! I'm not giving up on him, I just hope he hasn't given up on me!

Decisions, Decisions

2007-04-01T12:42:00.000Z

I've never been one for making rash decisions.

OK, some of the life choices I have made may not have turned out the right way or have been what I would have hoped for. But I've always been self-aware enough to recognise what's churning in my head and as a result, work it through enough to come to a conscious and rational conclusion.

And I know anyone that keeps tabs on my postings may also question this most recent of choices, and to some degree they would be right, but its not all about a man!

Todays image is the pond outside my friend Mike's place in New Bedford, MA. Its the view he looks out at every day. I love how he refers to it as a pond, and it returns me to my comments about cultural differences. The way we define scale and size is very much determined by the land mass of the USA v. UK. Its actually a 15 acre lake!

And Yes. 'He who takes up my thinking and feeling time' is playing a lot on my mind at the moment. And he is a major factor in making me impatient to get my house in order so I can go visit. I would be lying to everyone if I tried to deny that fact. And my previous post 'A Change of Scenery' still has a strong hold there also; the values and commitment I seek, I am rapidly beginning to believe I won't find here on my own shores.

Actually, that's a lie. When the pennies do drop it means I've already made my mind up. This time it means that my beloved London no longer holds any surprises for me. As a result, my heart is saddened. But there is a reversal of fortune in that saddness; it means I've recognised the problem which also means I can find the solution.

And find it I have. Watch out North America, by hook or by crook I'm crossing that pond this year with a one way ticket.

Coals to Newcastle

2007-03-30T23:57:00.000Z

As I write this, I am literally engaged in an online conversation with a friend of someone I am incredibly fond of!

Talk about being raked over the coals!

I'm in mid-exchange with a man who is wonderfully protective of his friend. I have to admit, for this particular 'someone', I would be just the same. And you all know I won't suffer fools.

But I can't help think (and feel) that although my co-converser and I are the same age, give or take a few months, that the cultural differences between our yank cousins and ourselves are as vast today as they have ever been.

In many ways, I feel as if I'm back in the school yard. It all feels a little juvenile. Now I'm not saying that this person is juvenile, far from it. He's a very intelligent fellow from what I've gleamed out of the dialogue so far.

What I'm really getting at is how we each perceive the meaning of 'communucation' and just how deep we will allow the levels of said communication to penetrate. And I'm not applying this to all Yanks; or maybe it should be confederates in this case (need to check that geographically with him); and especially the one who is rapidly taking up a lot of my feeling and thinking time. He is quite the opposite to most Americans I have met. He is very open to communication, and with a little gentle nudging, will let it all out and not feel any shame for it. I applaud him for that and it only serves to make him dearer to me.

As a generalisation, and this is an area I don't like getting into as I much prefer fact; but on the whole I do find that most Americans pay lip service to the very spirit of 'communication'. It's all well and good mouthing the words, but I rarely feel they have the sentiment and belief that should be behind it. There is a tendancy for them to talk "at" you rather than "with" you. And lets face it, they're famous for spending years in therapy going over the same old subject time and time again without resolution. What a waste of time, energy and money!!!

So it begs me to ask, whilst this one is giving me the virtual version of the Spanish Inquisition, and I'm learning things about him he is subconciously giving away, is he actually fulfilling his goals and learning anything about me?

Tolerance

2007-03-29T14:16:00.000Z

I think todays blog is 'part two' in relation to what I wrote for the blog entitled "Spring Cleaning" below.

I don't want people to think I'm intolerant or unable to forgive; in fact it's quite the opposite. I am exceptionally open-minded and very happy to forgive and move on in so many aspects of my own life. I just wanted to state that any decisions I've made about cleaning house have never been done in temper or without lots of due consideration.

So that's where I need, in some ways, to backtrack a little too. Because I don't want anyone else to make the mistake of acting rashly and jumping into things without ever having thought through the consequences.

We should never make these decisions to clean house unless we're able to truly live our lives without these influences. I know from my own experiences these are things I've always paid most attention to and as a result, I also know that the decision rests solely on the fact of how it should benefit me. Now anyone reading will think that's a selfish statement; and to some degree it is. After all, the intention here is to improve our own surroundings and our own mental health.

But consideration also needs to be given to the person on the receiving end. If we must clean house, then let us do it respectfully, with kindness and generosity. Be constructive, clarify your intentions and be kind.

But most of all, be yourself.

I Just Cleaned House

2007-03-26T23:06:00.000Z

Well, well, well!

Sometimes I surprise myself and take heed of my own advice!

I just cleaned house and threw out one piece of that emotional garbage I spoke of earlier.

Seems I can talk sense, even if I am the only one who is listening!

And guess what, it feels great.

Spring Cleaning

2007-03-26T13:25:00.000Z

Before you proceed, let me warn you; this is not an anti-Bush statement today. Although I love to spread hatred and abhorrence for this sorry excuse for a Human Being (Human! That's a joke in itself!) and his actions, the cartoon directly relates to the question someone close to me wants to explore.

No, where I'm going today is the actions of others. The detritus of emotional baggage that they leave in their wake and, last but not least whether they have a modicum of emotional intelligence to realise what they have done or if they truly are senseless and selfish enough to believe that their actions are (a) inconsequential, or (b) justified.

I suppose there are those people who are so self absorbed that they fail to be aware of what goes on around them unless it has a direct personal effect. We've all met these kind of people. The ones who breeze effortlessly through life, appear to have no cares in the world and no cares for others to boot.

But then there is a second type. Those who steam-roller through life leaving as much destruction and harm behind them as possible. God only knows what they've experienced somewhere in their personal history in order for them to become so bitter and so twisted that the only idea of happiness they know is to have everyone around them feeling as dejected, hateful and cynical as they are.

So my question today, or rather what I'd like to ponder, is Ownership.

We should all take responsibility for our actions, and within that, ownership of anything we do that may directly affect another person or persons. If you've made someone feel happy, no matter for how short a period, then be proud. But if we've directly or indirectly hurt a person, then take ownership and deal with it. Start with an apology, work out where you went wrong and why, then fix it. And try to make sure you don't trip up on the same thing again. The true apology comes when the person who was hurt is able to see that you're making the effort to not repeat offend.

But then there is a question we need to ask ourselves when we're faced with the people who actually choose to hurt others. Are they responsible for their own actions? If no one has stopped them from behaving in such ways or challenged their behaviour, then just who is responsible or who should take ownership? Is it the aggressor, who knows no different? Or is it the victim, who recongnises the problem but never tackles or challenges these actions and therefore allows them to persist?

The question is of course subjective. We can only see into and question ourselves, assumptions are after all, an emotional minefield. It's pointless trying to work out what's going on with someone else unless you really take time to know them, and then you could still be a million miles off mark. But when we're faced with another persons actions, for whatever reason, sometimes it's best to walk away and try hard to not be affected by it.

So when you're doing the Spring cleaning this year, why not just throw out this particular piece of emotional trash too.

Hmm! Maybe Dubya should read this after all!

Sisters on (blue)Grass

2007-03-26T12:21:00.000Z

Check out this fantastic new video by Hayseed Dixie doing a Scissor Sisters cover of 'I don't feel like dancing' and see if you don't at least tap your foot!

The new album and single are relased on 9 April 2007, more info at their website in the link!

A Bird in the Hand .....

2007-02-25T19:18:00.000Z

I know, its revolting isn't it! Unless of course you're into that sort of 'Big Bird' thing, then I apologise! Please feel free to perve at the picture whilst the rest of us vomit!

Now that's my joking on this topic well and truly put aside. Today I want to discuss something that is close to my heart. Its not fatties, though obesity is becoming a national obsession and a good job too, half the nation is eating itself into the grave.

I digress.

No, today I want to discuss, or rather rant about open relationships. You see I just don't get it. I can't understand why someone would choose to commit themselves to another person, but with the caveat that they're still entitled to shop around and fuck who the hell they like, when they like and where they like!

WRONG WRONG WRONG!

Commitment is about telling someone that you want to be with them and them only. Showing them, and the world that you love them. Now I'm no prude, far from it! I've had my moments of pure, unadulterated sluttery and thoroughly enjoyed it. And I believe there is a part of that in all of us, it's just gay men find it easier to actuate, especially as sex in fagland is so readily available! And the net has only accentuated this! As our Aussie cousins say, a root is a root, and sometimes we all have a need to let go and get own and dirty with someone we have nothing but sexual lust for. I'm all for that! But when you enter a relationship, it all needs to stop.

The thing that really cuts at the core of my principles though are those gay profiles that start "happily partnered but ..." . If you're SO happy, why is there a need to go screw someone else. Because there is one thing I can promise you! You may think you have the blessing of your partner; you're so far removed from the truth, you may as well be in Narnia! Everytime you take adavantage of the 'openess' of your relationship, you're abusing the trust and love of your partner!

Its not just my principles your cutting through, its the love and trust of somebody whose dreams you helped fulfil yet seemingly choose to slowly and painfully destroy!

A Change of Scenery

2007-02-22T17:02:00.000Z

Visual Imagery. A marvellous form that is one thing that does get better as technology advances.

The image on the right believe it or not, is a satellite photograph of a considerably large town in the mid-west of North America. It may become my home in a few short months for a just a few short months until a permanent home in another North American town is found!

I'm contemplating meeting and being with a man who currently lives 4057 miles away, give or take a few yards! I've never been scared of change; in fact I welcome it with open arms and look for all the promise and the good it can bring.

It seems my never ending search for what I know will make me happy and settled may actually reach its as yet elusive end in a country I constantly berate for its politics, policies and people. You see, I'm a closet Americophile. When it comes down to the nitty-gritty, our yank cousins have a better commitment to real relationships. I blame (or thank) it partly on the brainwashing provided by TV and film mediums.

Hollywood and the TV Networks throw out constant subliminal messaging that 'family' and its values are best. If you pull together, you'll work it out. As much as we Brits pull away from that and scream the world doesn't work that way, I think in our deepest, darkest secret desires, most of us want that happy ending. If you work hard enough, life can be a Judy garland musical. You just need to remember there will always be a little bit of 'Desperate Housewives and Ugly Betty' in there too!

Am I crazy, well you may think so but I don't. You see, over and above all the things we have in common, he shares all the values and beliefs that I do.

Open

2007-02-05T04:29:00.000Z

Well, its finally happened. After 8 heart breaking, soul searching, desperately lonely months, its here. No alarm bells, no sirens, no fireworks. Just the sudden awareness of the relationship between my ego and my id.

Actually, it never went, it was just hiding. In a dark place somewhere. Cold, damp and miserable. No, I'm not talking about Spring or anything, but I did choose my metaphors wisely I believe.

I'm talking about my heart.

After all that time of being in those places, trying to kid myself that things were getting better, trying to date and having no success. Its back.

I say my heart, but what I'm really talking about is the thing it does. You see, no matter how much, or how many times it gets hurt, it fights back. I may suffer from depression, and sometimes it can be all consuming, but the two things my heart never truly gives up on are hope and love.

And its ready to be consumed. Or rather I am. After all this time, I'm finally an open door (thanks Doris!) again. Ready for someone to walk in, sweep me off my feet, fill me with passion, romance, love and hope!

So I'm hoping its not just sticking its head out and testing the water, because what I really want is to jump in the deep end and swim!

Cry Me a River

2007-02-02T23:50:00.000Z

The tears I cry
they do not see
the ones the do
are not for me
the tears I cry
the tears for me
with everyone
I die, I die

Things That Go Bump In The Night

2007-01-30T16:54:00.000Z

I was having one of my online chats today with a cute young cub called Tim who said he was going to be my stalker. Flattery on the one hand, and I knew it was done in a jocular manner, but all the same its not a funny subject. Especially when you've experienced it. Twice!

What is it about some people that become so obsessed that you as the stalkee are left feeling completely and utterly defenseless. Because that's what these people do. They hound you to the point where you're unable to sleep or eat. They send you over the edge, paranoia sets in and you're left helpless. You even have to change your daily routine because the fear they instill is overwhelming.

So, for all of you out there with the best of intentions, and who want to show your love, just take a step back and think; "Am I being too heavy?"

Spectacular, Spectacular!

2007-01-03T12:45:00.000Z

Hello and a big welcome to 2007!

I avoided doing a midnight blog like so many others, not because I think I'm special or anything, but because (i) I actually felt like crap thanks to this shitty head cold I have, and (ii) because I didn't want to put up any false hopes or expectations etc!

And no, I'm not going to be depressive about stuff either, 2007 is finally here and I'm leaping into it in a big, BIG way!

I did however want to say something about our lovely Lord Mayor Ken.

After such a misery for so many others, especially our friends in the North who's celebrations were cancelled thanks to the weather (but whose spirits were far from dampened!), Ken, for once, actually got something right! The Frenchman brought in to do the fireworks spectacular on the London Eye, achieved just that. It was magnificent, and that comes from someone who doesn't do awe!

But poor old BBC! How spectacularly did they boob? I'm guessing there have been some stern words said to the sound managers after the deafening silences that were produced during the live performances!

Well done Aunty!

Letting Go

2006-12-29T12:40:00.000Z

There's something I forgot to discuss on here, which I feel I should have done for anyone who stops by regularly. Its Russell, the ex. I've finally let him go.

There were no claps of thunder, no lightbulbs swtiching on, no great revelations. It just happened. One day he was in my head, the next he wasn't.

It was just a conversation with a friend, who was discussing his relationship break-up. And how his now ex-boyfriend (a forty-something gay man) was behaving like a spolit teenager throughout the whole thing. And it suddenly dawned on me, Russell was no more.

Now I don't want to sound like a heartless cow, I think no one could ever accuse me of being like that! But he's finally left that bit of headspace where he resided constantly, making me have to deal with the emotional fall-out on a daily basis. In fact I rarely think of him now. Of course, it being Christmas and all that, he has popped up once or twice, but not in any great shape or form. And its these rare visits that make me realise I'm over him, because although he does appear now and then, there is no longing for him attached with it. Just good wishes, and the hope that he's taking care of himself and getting on too!

So watch out world, it looks like I'm back! And having lots of time to make up for, it could be a fun and bumpy ride!

So why not get on board, and come along for a laugh!

Resolve

2006-12-29T11:39:00.000Z

Well its come to that time of year where we're all expected to make a resolution that is impossible to keep!

How many times have we resolved to stop smoking, stop swearing, lose weight, blah blah blah! The list of things we're going to do, or as we say in Yorkshire, gunnado, are endless and usually fruitless.

In Yorkshire too, we refer to people who are constantly talking of changing things as 'gunnado's', they rarely achieve what they talk of, so are in a state of constant resolve, how unhappy they must be. To constantly fail, how depressing!

How many of us have decided that we're going to join a gym, then had £80 each month deducted from our bank accounts for January, February and March before we've decided to cancel the direct debit due to the fact that we've only been twice in all that time! Do any of us realise what that money could have done if donated to charity, or if we want to be selfish about it, just how many fun nights out we could have had on that!

I personally gave up on New Year resolutions some years ago, the last I made was the only one I ever managed to maintain, and that was never to make any more resolutions.

This year, its going to be different, I'm going to make some that I know I can keep. They're realistic and simple, so here goes.

In 2007, I resolve to;

Get myself out of the doldrums, laugh more, stop procrastinating and finally, but most importantly:

be a better friend

How to Hurt People

2006-12-10T12:45:00.000Z

I have a friend, or rather I should say I HAD a 'friend.

This person, I thought was my best friend. For years we were close as close could be. I was there through his relationship, at his wedding and finally, his coming out and subsequent end of his marriage. I even took part in a TV documentary about this whole process.

The one truly great thing that came of their relationship was their beautiful daughter. I cannot begin to describe the emotion that overcame me when I was asked to be godfather, proud as punch is not nearly a good enough description. Nor would it help any further, when I was asked not just to be godfather, but actual legal guardian should ever the need arise. This single act brought tears to my eyes, I was overwhelmed.

So thats the brief explanation of my relationship with my 'best friend'. Now this is not Gary I'm talking of, its someone else. Someone who I thought I could tell anything to. How can you be so wrong!

This person, lets call him Martin for the sake of a name, disapproved of my relationship with Russell. I could sort of understand his reasons, but still I expected support, as I had always given to him. It was not to be so. Within this, I also revealed something about myself, a recent complication within my own immediate circumstances.

Nothing wrong with that, is there? After all, don't friends talk and share what ails them? Well, that's what I believed anyway! Suffice to say, contact gradually reduced to a whisper, when before it had always been a shout! We went from daily contact and minimum twice weekly meetings to nothing, and I mean zilch! But the thing that hurt me most, was losing contact with my beautiful goddaughter.

After months of no contact, I bumped into him on Friday evening in a local Soho haunt. We were having such a good time, but my mood shifted almost instantly! He acted as though we had last spoken the day before, as if nothing had changed between us.

But what hurt most, was he showed me recent pictures of my goddaughter, the four year old who has changed so much in the last 6 months. The six months I've had to miss. I cannot tell you how much I cried inside whilst maintaining what I thought was my composure. My true friend Gary, could see instantly how upset I was!

Talk about putting the knife in and twisting it.

HARD!

Size 19's

2006-11-30T00:33:00.000Z

Sometimes I resent my own honesty!

The guy I spoke of last night, well I wanted him to know what he was getting involved in. Or rather who. Or at least the part of me that the world gets to see on here. I thought he would appreciate my candour. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do now, but I still stand by my actions.

You see, I directed him to this site, after I had written last nights piece.

Stupid; yes, or maybe no. He has a 'thing' shall we say for people being upfront and honest. I was hoping he would understand and accept I was ready to move on. Now it seems that he thinks maybe I'm moving too fast!

So I have to ask myself; am I? Have I made a subconcious decision that its time to leave my crap behind and begin a new chapter? I hope so. But I also wish someone would hurry up and invent a rule book!

I will never stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. But I am also beginning to think that shooting myself in the foot is not such a good idea!

I'm hoping, as I take him at face value and trust what he says to me, that all is not lost.

One Step Forward ...

2006-11-29T02:11:00.000Z

... three steps back it seems!

There's a man. One of the 'out of towners'. I think he's incredibly special, but as the day of our meeting draws closer (about 10 hours from now), I'm suddenly right back where I was, wondering if I'm doing the right thing in meeting him.

You see, I'm not sure if its the right thing to do.

When I say incredibly special, its because I know he wants the same things I do, a long lasting, committed, monogamous and loving relationship. And why wouldn't he, he's sane. He makes me feel like a teenager, yet we've only chatted online and on the phone. I smile when I talk or even think of him. He's so upbeat and I like that. He's intelligent and witty, and he teases me. I love that in people, it shows a sense of fun and adventure, and especially as its usually me doing the teasing.

Its me. Same old crap, still surfacing. I'm now worrying that I'm rushing, and pushing, myself into this because I feel lonely and want to love and be loved again. I'm no longer sure where my head and my heart lies anymore, and that is worrying me more than anything!

So I'm now left asking myself; am I doing this because of the lonliness, or am I doing it because its right for me? Am I ready? The thing that has confused me more than anything is the knowledge that I bumped into my ex, quite inadvertently on Sunday evening, and to my surprise, although I looked at him and still thought of him as handsome and lovely as ever, I didn't yearn for him. I wasn't left bewildered or stunned, in fact I felt quite indifferent! And if I do meet him now and all of my crap is still surfacing, will I scare him away and have lost my one and only chance of ever finding any happiness?

Why can't these things ever be simple?

Oh, and before I go, I need to mention; this man, aside from all the qualities I've just mentioned, also happens to be as handsome as anyone I've ever seen and sexy to boot! Now that intimidates me!

The Lighter Side of Dark

2006-11-27T14:15:00.000Z

The two reprobates to the right are my best friend Gary (left) and I. Yesterday we decided to meet up for a couple of beers at 6pm. As per usual, the couple of beers turned into what felt and tasted like a couple of gallons and resulted in me rolling (literally) home at around 1am this morning!

Above all other things, Gary and I know when its time for a fun night out, and one thing we know better than anything when we do have one, is how to laugh!

You see, Gary gives me licence to be as free thinking and outspoken as I like to be. He lets me go, no holds barred, and we're often able to turn a dark subject into a thing of comedy! The results can sometimes be hilarious. But for onlookers, it can be quite daunting!

Last night we hit the gay heart of London, Soho. The home of the freakishly daring and daringly freakish! Compton's, London's oldest gay pub and one of our favourite haunts is no exception to this. Gary had been chatting on the phone to his partner in Zurich before arriving. Dieter, his beautiful boyfriend was returning home from a weekend at his parents where his mother had announced she was dying and that it would probably be the last time any of her children saw her. Understandably he was upset.

But there is also another way of looking at it. Dieter is 44, and his mother 78. She's getting to that time when life does end and so should not be unexpected. I'm not trying to belittle death, its just it is a natural thing and comes to us all. We both accept this and therefore it was not really a heavy conversation for us!

However, the eavesdroppers and onlookers that also inhabit this certain little piece of fagland couldn't help but overhear our conversation. Its was when we hit the 'age' thing that the conversation took a turn.

I suddenly dropped into the conversation that as we were now both forty, we had offically entered our 'heart attack years'. We both giggled and remarked how we were also middle aged. Yet we still think and act as teenagers! I feel more like a 19 year old now than I did when I was that age! Odd isn't it that we should desperately try to grow up when we're young and at this one, refuse to let it go!

The true comedy in it though was the looks on the faces of all the surrounding queens. You see, I think 40ish would be an average age for Compton's. That sudden flash of horror as realisation of their own mortality dawned had us in fits! It seemed to set the tempo for the evening for us.

And it didn't stop there. It was a funny old night, and for someone who claims to not get enough sex, and who doesn't date often, I counted 6 ex-dates/boyfriends/shags all within the first 30 minutes. Now London is a large city, and the gay scene is thankfully quite diverse and widespread, but another friend and I did work out that the whole rule of 'six degrees of seperation' thing is actually reduced to just one degree in gay London. I just wish they hadn't all decided to come out on the same night to the same bar!!! Still, I'm not one for hiding my light under a bushel, and I've never been backwards at coming forwards. So I had to say 'Hello' to all of them and do the obligatory introductions! It never fails to amaze me, the predatory nature of some gay men. Within minutes, they were all chatting each other up!

A quick escape saw Gary and I heading up to the Kings Arms, home of the Bears, to see friends. Now this place needs to be noted for a couple of reasons alone. Firstly, this quaint old pub just off Oxford Street is tiny. Yet it is the desired venue for the largest of all gay men, Bears! Get 60 of them in there, and the place is packed. Now a bear is something of a mystery to most gay men. When I was growing up and setting my stall out in the kingdom of gay, a Bear was a man of a large frame, with a good body shape, not over muscled, and hairy and bearded. Nowadays, it just seems to be an excuse to be fat. And I'm not talking overweight here, I'm talking obese. HUGE bellies, ones that can enter a room at least three minutes before the remainder of the owner.

Now I like a larger gentlemen, but not this size. I mean how on earth are you (a) ever really going to be able to share a standard sized double bed, and (b) ever going to afford the grocery bill unless you're sitting in a bloody good salary bracket? I was even once affronted by a bear website user who had the nerve to say I was too small and slim to be a member of the site. Cheek, it is after all a site for Bears and their admirers, the latter I most definitely am. Now this man was one of the type I mentioned a few minutes ago. His profile photgraph happened to have a picture of him sitting on a sofa; topless. I therefore casually pointed out to him what a Bear was, and that I assumed his interpretation of exercise was opening the refrigerator door! Funnily enough, I never heard from him again.

The second thing worthy of mentioning about the Kings Arms is the size of the loo! This urinal would normally accommodate two average sized men, but with these guys in there, its one at a time! Now imagine the length of the queue when the bar is busy and they're all guzzling beer like there is no tomorrow. Still, that in itself can have its advantages, its means skinny old me can slip in there and not have to plait my legs.

One great thing of note last night though. David.

David and I have been chat buddies for quite some time. We're both on the back end of a relationship failure and as a result, hurting from it. Last night saw us actually being able to say hello in the real world for a change. What a lovely man he is, tall, dark and handsome, killer smile and lovely with it too! I am happy, I have a new friend.

Is He Out There?

2006-11-25T20:59:00.000Z

I've just read a profile on a rather well known gay website where the owner (of the profile) boldly states that Mr Right, or Mr Perfect, does not exist! It sparked a rather healthy and heated debate between my house-mate and I!

You see. I don't believe he can or does exist. Or at least not the concept of him that we have grown up to expect. And this also goes for Miss Right/Perfect too. (for the record, I'm not being sexist, I'm just going to refer to Mr Right from now on, but its an organic concept, it could be Miss Right I'm talking of too!)

People also talk of 'Mr Right Now'. An even better concept for some people, it allows them the freedom to move from relationship to relationship. Or as I call it, an emotional cop-out! In order for this hypothesis to work, wouldn't the two people concerned have to sit down and discuss that 'Mr Right Now' was all they wanted. And if this was the case, wouldn't there be further implications? Like, if it is 'right now', do timescales have to be involved? Because at some point, surely 'Mr Right Now' has to pass and become 'Mr No Longer'. And what happens, as if invariably is the case, when one partner becomes more involved in the relationship than the other and his 'Mr Right Now' becomes his Mr Right'!

So in my mind, 'Mr Right Now' can't exist. Because sooner or later, emotions will run high and someone will get more than they bargained for, and someone will get less. Hearts will be broken and feelings crushed. No one should have to go through that.

We are all individuals, and as such have individual wants, needs and requirements. How could one perfect being fill ALL of the needs of ALL of the people. Impossible isn't it? Yet I do believe that the one exists out there for all of us!

We just have to recognise that we need to accept all of the things we see in people. Those quirks and foibles that we think are cute, which then become annoying and irksome. They are the things which go a long way to make up some of the initial attraction. Tempers can flare, and arguments will ensue. Little things will make us laugh and cry. A touch, a whisper, a hug, a smile. They should be treasured as no one thing can be the same. Once they pass, they're gone. People should never limit themselves to preconceived ideas about who and what they expect from others! Now I'm not saying that we should all give up our hopes and fantasies, I never would, I have far too many of my own. But prescribed lists of "do's and don'ts" are not the way forward. The only thing they will achieve are broken hearts and trails of disappointments.

People are like jigsaw puzzles. Its all the little pieces that make up the whole picture. But as its people we're talking about, I also have to say there will always be some pieces missing too. But they're not to worry us, because we will never see others as they see themselves.

So what I'm looking for is my own 'Mr Right', only I've decided to call him 'Mr Right For Me'! I know he exists, and I intend to find him.

This just cracked me up!

2006-11-25T12:40:00.000Z

Yorkshire Airlines

London Buses

2006-11-24T15:50:00.000Z

Isn't it amazing what difference a couple of days can make to completely turn everything you thought onto its head!

When I was in the midst of what appeared to be a personal drought on the dating front, just like London buses, they all turn up at once! Not only has one available seemingly decent human being popped his head up on the net, than a whole glut of them have appeared all within a 16 hour period! Five men in total suddenly seem interested in yours truly.

Now I'm not one to complain, but even by my own flirtatious standards, this has to be a bit of a record!

Without even trying, or casting my net further afield, they have all approached me! Ok I hear you asking, whats wrong with them, well nothing really, except none of them live in London.

Now I'm not averse to long distance relationships, I've had three in the past. But do note, the operative word in that sentence is 'had'! None of them have worked. My longest of two years was also the most exhaustive. It was a proper full on NYLON relationship. That's New York and London for those not in the know. A long weekend here and a long weekend there each month not only fried my brains, but also melted my credit cards!

Now I can understand anyone reading this thinking, "Oh no! Another one bites the dust before its even got going" . Well, not true. As I said, I'm not averse, and for the right man I would up sticks and move in a second.

After all, that's how I ended up in my beloved London! But then that's another story entirely!

Turkey Lurkey

2006-11-23T11:42:00.000Z

As much as I claim to hate Americans and all things U.S. of A, I have to admit I have many friends that are of that particular persuasion. So today I would just like to say a little about Thanksgiving.

In a nation of immigrants, its rare that a country can manage to maintain, or create, its own identity! Remember the Americas were only discovered in the 15th century. Or at least that's what history teaches us. The Vikings (albeit briefly) were the first settlers 400 years earlier.

I digress. Enough of the history lesson.

The USA only has two national holidays that are of its own creation. Labor Day and Thanksgiving. I'm going to ignore Independence Day in this as many countries have a national day. Australia has Australia Day (funnily enough!) each January. In New Zealand, they have Waitangi Day each February.

I have issues with Labor Day. Firstly, its the way its spelt. Come on guys, this is the ENGLISH Language, so use it properly! Words have the letter 'u' in them after the 'o' for a reason, it helps with pronunciation. Secondly, most of the world works for a living. Is that really a reason to have a national holiday??? I think not.

Thanksgiving however is different. It does actually celebrate something. It celebrates the coming together of two nations. The indigenous people and true landowners of America and the Settlers. The latter we should remember were saved from starvation and failure and then went on to rape, pillage, murder and displace.

To this day, restitution has still not been made.

It also marks the start of the 'Holiday Season'. From now until New Year, North America is in full Christmas mode. And as much as I've just slated this time of year, I do enjoy it over there. We Brits complain that bigger is not always better. But at this time of year, well those yanks certainly know what they're doing! Christmas cheer is alive and well and has a Green Card!

So for my friends, Will & Des, Junior, Julie, Mrs V, Roger, Steve, Greg, Marsha, Jordan, Cissy & May, Ray, Bruce and last but by no means least, Ian.

I love you all dearly and wish you a happy happy day!

Reinvention

2006-11-21T12:51:00.000Z

Reinvention.

Is it truly possible, as a human being; to be able to recognise all of your flaws and finally take one giant leap forward to leave everything you find undesirable about yourself behind? Or are we destined, as others believe, to continue to make the same mistakes over and over?

You see, even though I suffer from depression, I'm not one for depressive tendancies. There is a streak of optimism that runs through me which is a mile wide. I refuse to give in and accept that this is my lot. I'm not destined to be alone, I can't let that happen, but there are things I need to address. Its just the one thing I need to deal with above all others.

When Russell and I split, my beautiful friend Drugh came down from Preston to visit me and give me a much needed shoulder to cry on followed by a swift kick up the arse! And kick me he did. He's incredibly astute and reads people intuitively. One thing he said to me shocked me more than anything, and when I told my best friend of it the following day, he was in complete agreement with Drugh. He says I'm selfless that I always put others needs before my own.

I've thought of nothing else since. I've analysed my actions, revisited everything I've done in my past relationships, and I mean both types, sexual/loving ones and my friendships. He's right. I have an overwhelming desire to make sure that everyone around me is OK. No, better than OK. I put my own issues aside in order to ensure my friends and/or lovers receive the attention and support they need to get through the problems they face. No wonder no one ever recognises that I'm going through my own 'stuff', I'm hiding it from them.

And I mean I really am hiding it. I use other peoples issues to disguise my own. I am adept at turning conversations away from the subject of 'me'. So adept in fact, I can do it in one sentence during a conversation. I brush myself aside and let my low self esteem and issues of self worth remain out of sight and therefore out of mind. Well, theirs at least, but most certainly not mine!

So. I recognise now that I do all of this. But there is also a contributing factor which may result in the destruction of my own happiness. I don't know why, maybe subconciously I do this, but even when meeting people on dates, I have a knack, no a habit of getting into what really makes them tick. Not a bad thing you may think if you're dating, getting as much information about your prospective intended as possible. But I seem to get deeper into it. I get to know what troubles them, their fears, their insecurities, their own issues. People trust me, and open up to me. Before I know it, I have a new friend and I've lost out on a new relationship.

A wise friend of mine once said "only a fool would turn down the chance of a new friend". And he's right. Friends if they're the right ones become family, and I love my family, more so than my blood relatives. Yet I still continue to do this, and found myself doing the exact same thing last night! I've managed to turn a prospective lover into a friend, I'm now his confidante, his voice of reason. The person he turns to when he needs advice.

To top that, I have a very public facade. The party boy. The one person you can always rely on to be the life and soul of the party. Ready to drink, dance and chat the night away, and on the rare chance my libido is 'out of touch' with my brain and my morals, a bit of the other too! I am an outrageous flirt and I have confidence that knows no bounds, but rarely take it further than a good snog.

Whichever way I look at it, I seem to be building walls around me, never giving anything of myself away! Odd you may think, for a man who has no fear of opening his soul on the internet for millions to read (should you choose to). Well you would be wrong, because just as in my life, I display only the things I'm prepared to.

So my dilemma is, can an old dog learn new tricks! I suppose the answer should be yes. I've already recognised what the problem is, and even that it may be the root of all my evils, my inner demons. But is it possible for me now, to be able to learn enough to stop myself falling into old habits?

What can I say, if it were that easy, I would have given up smoking years ago!

Rock Bottom

2006-11-11T12:13:00.000Z

I reread my last post. Talk about blathering on like an idiot. To me, it makes little sense, and I wrote the bloody thing! So I apologise for that.

Still, it does sort of tell me that I hit a 'rock-bottom' point in my current state. Maybe not a total rock-bottom, more of a 'getting there' type, but a few things have happended this week that have put my own crap into perspective.

You see, a friend of mine returned home the other evening to find his flatmate and best friend dead. A drug overdose. He's convinced it was intentional too, and he's told me why. Forgive me for not giving you details, but its very private to him and the friend he has tragically lost.

Talk about getting a much needed kick up the arse!

I've spent the last few days talking with him. Right now he is in a 'blame' period. He is distraught. He believes things he said has contributed to his death. He is of course, wrong. Suicide is a selfish act, and done without consideration of the aftermath it leaves for other people to contend with. It is rarely done on the spur of the moment, and is always planned.

It has left a huge gaping chasm in his heart and soul. The small tear in mine is nothing by comparison.

I think I'm on the way back up!

Lazy?

2006-11-08T22:37:00.000Z

Gosh. This one seems to be a hard one today. I want to write, but it seems so much is getting on top of me lately!

2006 it appears has been, so far, a shit year. I'm not going to go into too much of it, because some physical matters can be resolved as soon as I get off my arse!!!

You see, as well as currently fighting a depression, I also have to contend with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) . So double fun for me, or rather, not.

Trouble is, both SAD and depression both have a side affect which is a major problem. Lethargy!

It makes it incredibly difficult to actually motivate myself to do any more than actually get up in the mornings! When I had my big depression, which incidentally also involved a breakdown, I found myself crawling further and further under the quilt each day! My bitch of a boss, EH, could never understand that by turning into work, I'd managed to acheive something that was a major challenge over come!

But, it does me give time to try and reflect on the things that are happening in my life! Especially where men are concerned. Its becoming more and more apparent to me each day that its this issue that I need to come to terms with more than anything!

So right now, rightly or wrongly, I've made the decision that men are the last thing I need to think about. Whether it be past, present or future lovers, I need to let them go and stop being so desperate. Thankfully, the SAD and depression have also knocked my libido for six. I feel about as sexual as a snail in hibernation!

So I've come to my crossroads. A place I know stand in and have to decide which route I'm going to take. Shall it be the USA and escape to get my breathing space or stay and fight? Keep facing my demons and hope that I come out on top!

Either way, my demons will always be here, so for now, I'm edging toward stay and fight!

On Reflection

2006-11-02T12:53:00.000Z

I need to back track a little on what I've said before and put some records straight!

I've had a few comments about my relationship with my ex from people who have been incredibly supportive, but also don't know the bigger picture!

My ex is not a bad man! Quite the opposite.

I fell in love Russell. He came into my life when I least expected it and managed to reach and touch more parts of my soul than anyone ever has done before. I shall be eternally grateful for that and the fact that for a period of time, he was in my life!

He still is in my life in some ways. He and I will one day become friends. He knows I possibly know him better than anyone else, and he also knows he has seen more of the inner me than anyone. Even more so than my best friend. Though I'm sure in time that will change!

Russell is an incredible young man! In his short life he has seen and expereienced more than most people I know combined. He has taken knocks on the chin that others wouldn't be able to get up from. Yet he does, and he fights back. And with all these 'knocks', he continues to be a kind, gentle and loving soul. It is a pleasure to know him, and a joy to be a part of his world!

So Please, don't hate him, because I don't.

All 'Dry'ed Up?

2006-10-30T23:57:00.000Z

Well, it seems that finally, my last blog has cleared some of the congestion causing crap in my head and I've finally managed to open my own book and start writing again!

Hurrah for small mercies I hear you say. I think not, its yet to be published (if it ever will be) and then has to be worthy of a read.

I've posted a picture of my all time favourite novel today, to signify that I'm back on the wagon (not that I was ever off it, I'm not an alcoholic or anything). I just want to be able to say that, like Augusten, I've had to do so much cathartic cleansing to enable me to get back to this stage! By the way, 'Dry' is the second part of a trilogy of memoirs by Augusten Burroughs. The first, 'Running with Scissors', has been made into a movie with an all star Hollywood cast. The third is called 'Magical Thinking'. I would thoroughly recommend them to anyone to read, but please do read them in the order they were written, they make much more sense that way!

Still, I've had to tell myself off already. A friend of mine, a very well respected film critic here in London did advise me that the worst thing I could possibly do is edit my own work, something I have to admit, I'm incredibly guilty of!

And what's the worst thing I could do the second I start? Yes, that's right, I started editing the damn thing! So. One good self flagellation later, and I manage to knock out two thousand words in one go! Not bad for someone who's a bit rusty! You see, the self-deprecating depression stuff can be so all consuming that it leaves nothing for no one or nothing else!

Back in the saddle! Looks like winter may not be as gloomy as I once thought!

Running Away, or Running to?

2006-10-30T15:01:00.000Z

After a weekend of self-imposed Isolation, I've finally faced up to a few things and started to get my head around what it is I have, what it is I need and what it is I want.

WHAT I HAVE. Well right now, not a great deal or at least in comparison to the 'I Need' list. It's unfair to say I have little. I do have lots because I'm not talking about material possessions. I have friends, amazing friends that are true and good, and there for me every step of the way.

My best friend Gary has just returned from a trip to Zurich to spend time with his partner who lives out there. I never realised just how much I missed him until his homecoming and we were able to catch up last week. His smiling face instantly put a smile upon mine, and I got to spend the whole day with him, so he lifted me immensely! He's my conscience, my guide and my ear. He never judges me; he's just there for me as I am for him. I wish everyone could have a 'Gary' in his or her life.

And John, in many ways a similar person to me. He's a Yorkshireman too, and the same age as me, though he'll argue he's younger, but only by three months. He's a chef; he hates his job and is looking for new challenges, just like me. He's my 'moaning' buddy, as all we do is moan about stuff when we're together, then berate each other for doing it, and laugh lots after! Its good to get things off your chest!

Then there is Steve. The most uncomplicated person in the whole world who is fantastic to talk too. He always gives it to you straight. No need for emotions (though he's not cold, just straightforward) We think alike on so many things, so its good to have him there, he can 'guide' my thoughts, much like a counsellor does.

Drugh. My Lovely Bear. Everyone refers to him as Bear. He is gorgeous, and cuddly and hairy. And he gives just the best hugs around. He has a heart bigger than anyone I know, and would stop at nothing if he knew he could in someway make you happier, or take all of your problems away. There was a time when it was thought that Bear and I would become an item, but it wasn't to be. And now, he has a wonderful partner who he loves and adores. I'm truly happy for him. I just wish he didn't live so far away, but I suppose it makes me treasure my time with him even more.

And Peter, champion blogger. An Internet chat buddy, who alas lives miles away in Manchester and whom I've never actually met. Its impossible to describe, but sometimes I feel closer to him than anyone! If he's not online, I often miss him.

So there you go, I actually have a hell of a lot, a lot more than most would have. In that respect, I'm lucky.

WHAT I NEED. I need all of the above. But I also need a lover, someone who I can share my life with. Jeremy Kyle and Trisha would argue against that and say I was wrong, that I don't need someone on my life to complete me. But what do they know. They're talking textbook gibberish. I know at my core instinct I need someone to care for. Someone I can spend my time with, share my bed with. Someone who I can make laugh, have silly conversations with and won't think I'm mad at some of the stupid things I say or do, but who will love me more for them! Believe it or not, I like to cook and clean for someone special. But don't get me wrong; it doesn't make me passive or submissive. I need most of all, someone who can challenge me on my own wavelength.

Most of all, I need someone who will care for me as I care for them. A lover who is a friend also, now that would be a gift to treasure for eternity.

WHAT DO I WANT? Well, again all of the above. But I now realise that until I get my head sorted out, it's not going to happen. After all, it is me that is putting up psychological barriers to future relationships, not anyone else who happens to be interested.

I want my head clear of all the rubbish that is currently occupying it! Well, maybe its not rubbish, all of my thoughts, just like anyone else's are valid. But I call it rubbish because it's clogging up my thinking like trash! I have managed to clear one part of it though; I'm not in love with Russell (the ex) anymore. I could never allow myself to be. And all thoughts of reconciliation are preposterous. I could never trust him with my heart again, I gave him too much of me, and he squandered it. I'm not angry with him either, just dreadfully disappointed. But I do still have love for him, and I miss him.

So I need space, from him, from me, and I think most of all from London. It's weird to think that in one of the greatest cities of the world, I feel like I'm becoming smaller. Like I'm shrinking into a background of banality. I feel that everyone is expecting me to behave in a certain way, like the sensible one that I always am. Yet I also feel that if I don't do something crazy, I may just go mad! I know how my brain works, and if I continue on this path, I also know I'll retreat into the dark place of my depression and stay there for quite sometime. And I don't want that again, the last one lasted for over a year, nearly 18 months, and I was not happy.

So here it is! A picture of a pond posted at the top of this blog. Actually, its not a pond, its a 15 acre lake, and it sits right outside my friend Mike's house in New Bedford, Massachusetts, USA. Mike says I can go out and stay with him for a while, a few months in fact, so I can get my head space and hopefully finish the book I'm meant to be (and failing at) writing. He also has a place on Martha's Vineyard, playground of the rich Bostonians, which in wintertime is only ever occupied by island residents. .

So. Am I running AWAY from something? From Russell? Or even perhaps the banal existence my life seems to have become? Or am I running TO something? A place where I can think and feel without pressure, and then can come back home to my beloved London, fresh as a daisy and ready to pick up where I left off, only better?

Winter is here, and so its seems is a depression

2006-10-25T20:38:00.000Z

I've been a sufferer of depression for over twelve years now.

OK, so millions more do, and I'm not trying to take anything away from them, but this is my blog, so its my depression!

Its my partner, or rather my ex partner that is currently clogging up my thoughts and not allowing me to see things clearly.

I met an incredible young man (lets call him Dave for arguments/blog sake) on the Internet, through a very popular gay chat site I lovingly refer to as Shagdar! He is handsome, sweet, kind and funny, and has a beautiful dog too, and they both came for a weekend to visit!

Well, the weekend didn't quite start as planned. Dave and the pooch were meant to arrive in London to stay with me from the Friday onward. Unfortunately, I met another Internet chat buddy of mine from Oslo on the Thursday afternoon as he was in town for the day/night. One thing lead to another, aided by lots of wine and vodka (not a good mix of booze!) and he stayed over for the night before heading off to Southampton the next day! And yes, during the course if the night, well lets just say it involved nudity and condoms!

Of course, I could have behaved like a scoundrel and not told Dave, but that's not me. Besides, I had the hangover from hell and needed a day to myself to recover! So Friday morning came, the nordic visitor left and I had to have a certain telephone conversation with young Dave!

He didn't take the news well. Well of course he didn't, I mean who the hell would! But, I explained to him that I beleived it to be a reaction to his keeness on our being together! What I haven't mentioned so far is that Dave was getting carried away with the whole thing and talking of moving to London. All this after only a few days online chatting! Of course, I stupidly didn't put the breaks on it either. After all, I was selfishly enjoying the attention and the flirtations!

Back to the weekend! Dave and I chatted long and hard on the phone, and the weekend resumed its normal course on the Saturday! The weekend was spent doing hand in hand walks in the park mainly for the pooch and my cooking dinner most evenings, including one amazing Sunday Lunch extravaganza for him and his friends. We had sex every night too, and I taught him a couple of new tricks. he said it was amazing and wants to do the same again! So it can't have been that bad, can it????

Sounds like the weekend was a success right? Well that's what I tried to make myself believe. But it wasn't, it was a total failure, and hence I'm now in a depression!

You see, I led this poor guy on. Dave had every good intention in his heart! But the penny dropped and hit home with such force on the Monday evening that I couldn't ignore it! The weekend had been a great success. But as we curled up on the sofa, watching romantic movies and him snuggling into me, all I could think of, every time there was a poignant, heart stopping moment, was my ex!

You see, I'm still in love with him!

I shouldn't be, he hurt me. But I fell head over heels then back again for this man. So why, even 6 months down the line is he affecting everything I do and causing me to feel like this so much that I'VE now become the bastard and I'm screwing up the lives of others, like Dave, who never asked for anything other than a chance!

And what has all this got to do with depression you may ask! Well, its seems its tripped one of my triggers, and now I can feel myself sliding downwards into the darkness of a foggy brain!

Keep in touch, this winter may be a gloomy one!

To Bitch or not to Bitch!!??!!

2006-10-05T14:31:00.000Z

I'm trying to write! I don't mean this, I mean as a writer! A successful, solvent, thought provoking social satirist! So far I'm failing! I have so little motivation at the moment its ridiculous!

I'm writing about my family, or rather the social experiment that my mother turned us into. My upbringing was a bit of an Augusten Burroughs kind of existence, but without the extremes he experienced.

My problem is, should I bitch about my own family?

My parents are dead now, so technically I'm an orphan. I can't bear the sight of my two sisters anymore than they can bear the sight of me. When we're in a room together, within 20 minutes, the latest round of WW3 has broken out! I abhor violence in all its forms, yet these two tiny little woman can make me want to snap necks!

So the question is, should I bitch about them. I'm not worried about what they think, but they have lives to lead, and kids to raise. Will I hurt anyone by telling nothing but the truth about the people that have their picture beside the word 'dysfuntional' in the dictionary????

The Virgin Blogger

2006-10-05T13:36:00.000Z

Finally! I've arrived!

Its taken a bloody long time to get here. My ex set this up for me months ago, when we were still together so I could dump my thoughts and clear my mind of the crap it constantly keeps regurgitating each day! But it became a rocky year for us both, and I never got onto it!

So here I am, October 2006, and day one of me reaching out to the world to be loved, hated, ignored and unknown! But it makes a change from the usual crap I dole out in the internet chat rooms I use, all of them gay except for my blatherings on MSN!

Still, it makes a change! I am a very direct person, and as time goes on, you may or may not like what I have to say, so please feel free to contact me or comment, I'd be more than happy to discuss my views and have them changed if you can show me the error of my ways!