Reading back ...

... over my blog, I've come to realise that I do tend to harp on about nothing more than a load of sanctimonious, arrogant twaddle. Well, all that ends right now!

Sorry I've been away for so long, but I've 'stuff' I'm dealing with and choosing to do it privately. However, a new Myspace friend had stopped by here recently and commented that maybe I should blog again. And at the risk of repeating myself, reading back over my selfish gripes has shown me two things. Firstly, I can write (and argue) convincingly well when I put my mind to it. But secondly and more importantly, with the exception of my last post "That Was The Week That Was" (see below), all of my posts, rather than achieving their goal of being cathartic, have achieved quite the opposite. They've inadvertently enabled me to adopt a characteristic I abhor most of all.

I've become intolerant. And is not only of others, but as a result of this recent realisation, its also of myself.

Intolerance is born out of fear. A lack of understanding, an unwillingness to learn. It is the seed of hatred. Hatred feeds the fear, and a catch 22 situation is born. We end up in a never ending cycle of prejudgments, assumptions and distrust. That intolerance is responsible for every hate crime ever committed, and I'm talking everything from gay bashing and race crimes to war.

Now I know that over time, as we grow and hopefully learn, we all discover a little and sometimes a large amount of information about things, places and people that we dislike. And as such we subsequently learn to avoid them at all costs. Nothing can be worse than being put in a situation we're so unhappy with that the preceding anxiety can be, and often is, debilitating. On the whole this is a good thing, its our instincts taking over, our in-built default safety settings ensuring our survival, whether it be physical or emotional. But when intolerance becomes the default position, then its time to challenge it. Especially if we recognise it in ourselves.

I used to pride myself on my level of tolerance, even boasted about it to some degree. My close friends saw it in me too. I have always been open to new experiences and new people. I have always given everyone the benefit of the doubt, and welcomed them respectfully into my circle until they have proved that they don't really belong there. I was the one who always preached that it is our differences that make us interesting. And I can always see at least two sides to every story or situation, even though sometimes I have been known to use that just to be controversial.

But all these skills, the loss of my usual "default position" was highlighted to me in a conversation last weekend with a very dear friend (Thank you Richard). Remember at the beginning I said I have stuff I'm dealing with privately? Well as a result of that stuff, he said I had a right to feel selfish. It was at that moment that the proverbial light bulb switched on in my head. That stuff is the one thing that should act as a constant reminder to me that what we see on the surface is not necessarily a true reflection of what's going on underneath.

Henceforth, I've become intolerant of my own intolerance. And for anyone reading this, I'd like you to do a quick spot-check of your own intolerances and see if any of them need challenging too. I think you may just surprise or even shock yourselves!

OK. I take back what I said at the beginning about not writing anymore self-deprecating crap, that was all very "Me! Me! Me!" wasn't it. And I recognise that maybe a leopard can't change its spots, but it can work hard to ensure its spots won't define it.

Peace!!!