Reinvention

Reinvention.

Is it truly possible, as a human being; to be able to recognise all of your flaws and finally take one giant leap forward to leave everything you find undesirable about yourself behind? Or are we destined, as others believe, to continue to make the same mistakes over and over?

You see, even though I suffer from depression, I'm not one for depressive tendancies. There is a streak of optimism that runs through me which is a mile wide. I refuse to give in and accept that this is my lot. I'm not destined to be alone, I can't let that happen, but there are things I need to address. Its just the one thing I need to deal with above all others.

When Russell and I split, my beautiful friend Drugh came down from Preston to visit me and give me a much needed shoulder to cry on followed by a swift kick up the arse! And kick me he did. He's incredibly astute and reads people intuitively. One thing he said to me shocked me more than anything, and when I told my best friend of it the following day, he was in complete agreement with Drugh. He says I'm selfless that I always put others needs before my own.

I've thought of nothing else since. I've analysed my actions, revisited everything I've done in my past relationships, and I mean both types, sexual/loving ones and my friendships. He's right. I have an overwhelming desire to make sure that everyone around me is OK. No, better than OK. I put my own issues aside in order to ensure my friends and/or lovers receive the attention and support they need to get through the problems they face. No wonder no one ever recognises that I'm going through my own 'stuff', I'm hiding it from them.

And I mean I really am hiding it. I use other peoples issues to disguise my own. I am adept at turning conversations away from the subject of 'me'. So adept in fact, I can do it in one sentence during a conversation. I brush myself aside and let my low self esteem and issues of self worth remain out of sight and therefore out of mind. Well, theirs at least, but most certainly not mine!

So. I recognise now that I do all of this. But there is also a contributing factor which may result in the destruction of my own happiness. I don't know why, maybe subconciously I do this, but even when meeting people on dates, I have a knack, no a habit of getting into what really makes them tick. Not a bad thing you may think if you're dating, getting as much information about your prospective intended as possible. But I seem to get deeper into it. I get to know what troubles them, their fears, their insecurities, their own issues. People trust me, and open up to me. Before I know it, I have a new friend and I've lost out on a new relationship.

A wise friend of mine once said "only a fool would turn down the chance of a new friend". And he's right. Friends if they're the right ones become family, and I love my family, more so than my blood relatives. Yet I still continue to do this, and found myself doing the exact same thing last night! I've managed to turn a prospective lover into a friend, I'm now his confidante, his voice of reason. The person he turns to when he needs advice.

To top that, I have a very public facade. The party boy. The one person you can always rely on to be the life and soul of the party. Ready to drink, dance and chat the night away, and on the rare chance my libido is 'out of touch' with my brain and my morals, a bit of the other too! I am an outrageous flirt and I have confidence that knows no bounds, but rarely take it further than a good snog.

Whichever way I look at it, I seem to be building walls around me, never giving anything of myself away! Odd you may think, for a man who has no fear of opening his soul on the internet for millions to read (should you choose to). Well you would be wrong, because just as in my life, I display only the things I'm prepared to.

So my dilemma is, can an old dog learn new tricks! I suppose the answer should be yes. I've already recognised what the problem is, and even that it may be the root of all my evils, my inner demons. But is it possible for me now, to be able to learn enough to stop myself falling into old habits?

What can I say, if it were that easy, I would have given up smoking years ago!