Letting Go

There's something I forgot to discuss on here, which I feel I should have done for anyone who stops by regularly. Its Russell, the ex. I've finally let him go.

There were no claps of thunder, no lightbulbs swtiching on, no great revelations. It just happened. One day he was in my head, the next he wasn't.

It was just a conversation with a friend, who was discussing his relationship break-up. And how his now ex-boyfriend (a forty-something gay man) was behaving like a spolit teenager throughout the whole thing. And it suddenly dawned on me, Russell was no more.

Now I don't want to sound like a heartless cow, I think no one could ever accuse me of being like that! But he's finally left that bit of headspace where he resided constantly, making me have to deal with the emotional fall-out on a daily basis. In fact I rarely think of him now. Of course, it being Christmas and all that, he has popped up once or twice, but not in any great shape or form. And its these rare visits that make me realise I'm over him, because although he does appear now and then, there is no longing for him attached with it. Just good wishes, and the hope that he's taking care of himself and getting on too!

So watch out world, it looks like I'm back! And having lots of time to make up for, it could be a fun and bumpy ride!

So why not get on board, and come along for a laugh!

Resolve

Well its come to that time of year where we're all expected to make a resolution that is impossible to keep!

How many times have we resolved to stop smoking, stop swearing, lose weight, blah blah blah! The list of things we're going to do, or as we say in Yorkshire, gunnado, are endless and usually fruitless.

In Yorkshire too, we refer to people who are constantly talking of changing things as 'gunnado's', they rarely achieve what they talk of, so are in a state of constant resolve, how unhappy they must be. To constantly fail, how depressing!

How many of us have decided that we're going to join a gym, then had £80 each month deducted from our bank accounts for January, February and March before we've decided to cancel the direct debit due to the fact that we've only been twice in all that time! Do any of us realise what that money could have done if donated to charity, or if we want to be selfish about it, just how many fun nights out we could have had on that!

I personally gave up on New Year resolutions some years ago, the last I made was the only one I ever managed to maintain, and that was never to make any more resolutions.

This year, its going to be different, I'm going to make some that I know I can keep. They're realistic and simple, so here goes.

In 2007, I resolve to;

Get myself out of the doldrums, laugh more, stop procrastinating and finally, but most importantly:

be a better friend

How to Hurt People

I have a friend, or rather I should say I HAD a 'friend.

This person, I thought was my best friend. For years we were close as close could be. I was there through his relationship, at his wedding and finally, his coming out and subsequent end of his marriage. I even took part in a TV documentary about this whole process.

The one truly great thing that came of their relationship was their beautiful daughter. I cannot begin to describe the emotion that overcame me when I was asked to be godfather, proud as punch is not nearly a good enough description. Nor would it help any further, when I was asked not just to be godfather, but actual legal guardian should ever the need arise. This single act brought tears to my eyes, I was overwhelmed.

So thats the brief explanation of my relationship with my 'best friend'. Now this is not Gary I'm talking of, its someone else. Someone who I thought I could tell anything to. How can you be so wrong!

This person, lets call him Martin for the sake of a name, disapproved of my relationship with Russell. I could sort of understand his reasons, but still I expected support, as I had always given to him. It was not to be so. Within this, I also revealed something about myself, a recent complication within my own immediate circumstances.

Nothing wrong with that, is there? After all, don't friends talk and share what ails them? Well, that's what I believed anyway! Suffice to say, contact gradually reduced to a whisper, when before it had always been a shout! We went from daily contact and minimum twice weekly meetings to nothing, and I mean zilch! But the thing that hurt me most, was losing contact with my beautiful goddaughter.

After months of no contact, I bumped into him on Friday evening in a local Soho haunt. We were having such a good time, but my mood shifted almost instantly! He acted as though we had last spoken the day before, as if nothing had changed between us.

But what hurt most, was he showed me recent pictures of my goddaughter, the four year old who has changed so much in the last 6 months. The six months I've had to miss. I cannot tell you how much I cried inside whilst maintaining what I thought was my composure. My true friend Gary, could see instantly how upset I was!

Talk about putting the knife in and twisting it.

HARD!