All 'Dry'ed Up?

Well, it seems that finally, my last blog has cleared some of the congestion causing crap in my head and I've finally managed to open my own book and start writing again!

Hurrah for small mercies I hear you say. I think not, its yet to be published (if it ever will be) and then has to be worthy of a read.

I've posted a picture of my all time favourite novel today, to signify that I'm back on the wagon (not that I was ever off it, I'm not an alcoholic or anything). I just want to be able to say that, like Augusten, I've had to do so much cathartic cleansing to enable me to get back to this stage! By the way, 'Dry' is the second part of a trilogy of memoirs by Augusten Burroughs. The first, 'Running with Scissors', has been made into a movie with an all star Hollywood cast. The third is called 'Magical Thinking'. I would thoroughly recommend them to anyone to read, but please do read them in the order they were written, they make much more sense that way!

Still, I've had to tell myself off already. A friend of mine, a very well respected film critic here in London did advise me that the worst thing I could possibly do is edit my own work, something I have to admit, I'm incredibly guilty of!

And what's the worst thing I could do the second I start? Yes, that's right, I started editing the damn thing! So. One good self flagellation later, and I manage to knock out two thousand words in one go! Not bad for someone who's a bit rusty! You see, the self-deprecating depression stuff can be so all consuming that it leaves nothing for no one or nothing else!

Back in the saddle! Looks like winter may not be as gloomy as I once thought!

Running Away, or Running to?

After a weekend of self-imposed Isolation, I've finally faced up to a few things and started to get my head around what it is I have, what it is I need and what it is I want.

WHAT I HAVE. Well right now, not a great deal or at least in comparison to the 'I Need' list. It's unfair to say I have little. I do have lots because I'm not talking about material possessions. I have friends, amazing friends that are true and good, and there for me every step of the way.

My best friend Gary has just returned from a trip to Zurich to spend time with his partner who lives out there. I never realised just how much I missed him until his homecoming and we were able to catch up last week. His smiling face instantly put a smile upon mine, and I got to spend the whole day with him, so he lifted me immensely! He's my conscience, my guide and my ear. He never judges me; he's just there for me as I am for him. I wish everyone could have a 'Gary' in his or her life.

And John, in many ways a similar person to me. He's a Yorkshireman too, and the same age as me, though he'll argue he's younger, but only by three months. He's a chef; he hates his job and is looking for new challenges, just like me. He's my 'moaning' buddy, as all we do is moan about stuff when we're together, then berate each other for doing it, and laugh lots after! Its good to get things off your chest!

Then there is Steve. The most uncomplicated person in the whole world who is fantastic to talk too. He always gives it to you straight. No need for emotions (though he's not cold, just straightforward) We think alike on so many things, so its good to have him there, he can 'guide' my thoughts, much like a counsellor does.

Drugh. My Lovely Bear. Everyone refers to him as Bear. He is gorgeous, and cuddly and hairy. And he gives just the best hugs around. He has a heart bigger than anyone I know, and would stop at nothing if he knew he could in someway make you happier, or take all of your problems away. There was a time when it was thought that Bear and I would become an item, but it wasn't to be. And now, he has a wonderful partner who he loves and adores. I'm truly happy for him. I just wish he didn't live so far away, but I suppose it makes me treasure my time with him even more.

And Peter, champion blogger. An Internet chat buddy, who alas lives miles away in Manchester and whom I've never actually met. Its impossible to describe, but sometimes I feel closer to him than anyone! If he's not online, I often miss him.

So there you go, I actually have a hell of a lot, a lot more than most would have. In that respect, I'm lucky.

WHAT I NEED. I need all of the above. But I also need a lover, someone who I can share my life with. Jeremy Kyle and Trisha would argue against that and say I was wrong, that I don't need someone on my life to complete me. But what do they know. They're talking textbook gibberish. I know at my core instinct I need someone to care for. Someone I can spend my time with, share my bed with. Someone who I can make laugh, have silly conversations with and won't think I'm mad at some of the stupid things I say or do, but who will love me more for them! Believe it or not, I like to cook and clean for someone special. But don't get me wrong; it doesn't make me passive or submissive. I need most of all, someone who can challenge me on my own wavelength.

Most of all, I need someone who will care for me as I care for them. A lover who is a friend also, now that would be a gift to treasure for eternity.

WHAT DO I WANT? Well, again all of the above. But I now realise that until I get my head sorted out, it's not going to happen. After all, it is me that is putting up psychological barriers to future relationships, not anyone else who happens to be interested.

I want my head clear of all the rubbish that is currently occupying it! Well, maybe its not rubbish, all of my thoughts, just like anyone else's are valid. But I call it rubbish because it's clogging up my thinking like trash! I have managed to clear one part of it though; I'm not in love with Russell (the ex) anymore. I could never allow myself to be. And all thoughts of reconciliation are preposterous. I could never trust him with my heart again, I gave him too much of me, and he squandered it. I'm not angry with him either, just dreadfully disappointed. But I do still have love for him, and I miss him.

So I need space, from him, from me, and I think most of all from London. It's weird to think that in one of the greatest cities of the world, I feel like I'm becoming smaller. Like I'm shrinking into a background of banality. I feel that everyone is expecting me to behave in a certain way, like the sensible one that I always am. Yet I also feel that if I don't do something crazy, I may just go mad! I know how my brain works, and if I continue on this path, I also know I'll retreat into the dark place of my depression and stay there for quite sometime. And I don't want that again, the last one lasted for over a year, nearly 18 months, and I was not happy.

So here it is! A picture of a pond posted at the top of this blog. Actually, its not a pond, its a 15 acre lake, and it sits right outside my friend Mike's house in New Bedford, Massachusetts, USA. Mike says I can go out and stay with him for a while, a few months in fact, so I can get my head space and hopefully finish the book I'm meant to be (and failing at) writing. He also has a place on Martha's Vineyard, playground of the rich Bostonians, which in wintertime is only ever occupied by island residents. .

So. Am I running AWAY from something? From Russell? Or even perhaps the banal existence my life seems to have become? Or am I running TO something? A place where I can think and feel without pressure, and then can come back home to my beloved London, fresh as a daisy and ready to pick up where I left off, only better?

Winter is here, and so its seems is a depression

I've been a sufferer of depression for over twelve years now.

OK, so millions more do, and I'm not trying to take anything away from them, but this is my blog, so its my depression!

Its my partner, or rather my ex partner that is currently clogging up my thoughts and not allowing me to see things clearly.

I met an incredible young man (lets call him Dave for arguments/blog sake) on the Internet, through a very popular gay chat site I lovingly refer to as Shagdar! He is handsome, sweet, kind and funny, and has a beautiful dog too, and they both came for a weekend to visit!

Well, the weekend didn't quite start as planned. Dave and the pooch were meant to arrive in London to stay with me from the Friday onward. Unfortunately, I met another Internet chat buddy of mine from Oslo on the Thursday afternoon as he was in town for the day/night. One thing lead to another, aided by lots of wine and vodka (not a good mix of booze!) and he stayed over for the night before heading off to Southampton the next day! And yes, during the course if the night, well lets just say it involved nudity and condoms!

Of course, I could have behaved like a scoundrel and not told Dave, but that's not me. Besides, I had the hangover from hell and needed a day to myself to recover! So Friday morning came, the nordic visitor left and I had to have a certain telephone conversation with young Dave!

He didn't take the news well. Well of course he didn't, I mean who the hell would! But, I explained to him that I beleived it to be a reaction to his keeness on our being together! What I haven't mentioned so far is that Dave was getting carried away with the whole thing and talking of moving to London. All this after only a few days online chatting! Of course, I stupidly didn't put the breaks on it either. After all, I was selfishly enjoying the attention and the flirtations!

Back to the weekend! Dave and I chatted long and hard on the phone, and the weekend resumed its normal course on the Saturday! The weekend was spent doing hand in hand walks in the park mainly for the pooch and my cooking dinner most evenings, including one amazing Sunday Lunch extravaganza for him and his friends. We had sex every night too, and I taught him a couple of new tricks. he said it was amazing and wants to do the same again! So it can't have been that bad, can it????

Sounds like the weekend was a success right? Well that's what I tried to make myself believe. But it wasn't, it was a total failure, and hence I'm now in a depression!

You see, I led this poor guy on. Dave had every good intention in his heart! But the penny dropped and hit home with such force on the Monday evening that I couldn't ignore it! The weekend had been a great success. But as we curled up on the sofa, watching romantic movies and him snuggling into me, all I could think of, every time there was a poignant, heart stopping moment, was my ex!

You see, I'm still in love with him!

I shouldn't be, he hurt me. But I fell head over heels then back again for this man. So why, even 6 months down the line is he affecting everything I do and causing me to feel like this so much that I'VE now become the bastard and I'm screwing up the lives of others, like Dave, who never asked for anything other than a chance!

And what has all this got to do with depression you may ask! Well, its seems its tripped one of my triggers, and now I can feel myself sliding downwards into the darkness of a foggy brain!

Keep in touch, this winter may be a gloomy one!

To Bitch or not to Bitch!!??!!

I'm trying to write! I don't mean this, I mean as a writer! A successful, solvent, thought provoking social satirist! So far I'm failing! I have so little motivation at the moment its ridiculous!

I'm writing about my family, or rather the social experiment that my mother turned us into. My upbringing was a bit of an Augusten Burroughs kind of existence, but without the extremes he experienced.

My problem is, should I bitch about my own family?

My parents are dead now, so technically I'm an orphan. I can't bear the sight of my two sisters anymore than they can bear the sight of me. When we're in a room together, within 20 minutes, the latest round of WW3 has broken out! I abhor violence in all its forms, yet these two tiny little woman can make me want to snap necks!

So the question is, should I bitch about them. I'm not worried about what they think, but they have lives to lead, and kids to raise. Will I hurt anyone by telling nothing but the truth about the people that have their picture beside the word 'dysfuntional' in the dictionary????

The Virgin Blogger

Finally! I've arrived!

Its taken a bloody long time to get here. My ex set this up for me months ago, when we were still together so I could dump my thoughts and clear my mind of the crap it constantly keeps regurgitating each day! But it became a rocky year for us both, and I never got onto it!

So here I am, October 2006, and day one of me reaching out to the world to be loved, hated, ignored and unknown! But it makes a change from the usual crap I dole out in the internet chat rooms I use, all of them gay except for my blatherings on MSN!

Still, it makes a change! I am a very direct person, and as time goes on, you may or may not like what I have to say, so please feel free to contact me or comment, I'd be more than happy to discuss my views and have them changed if you can show me the error of my ways!