I've been a sufferer of depression for over twelve years now.
OK, so millions more do, and I'm not trying to take anything away from them, but this is my blog, so its my depression!
Its my partner, or rather my ex partner that is currently clogging up my thoughts and not allowing me to see things clearly.
I met an incredible young man (lets call him Dave for arguments/blog sake) on the Internet, through a very popular gay chat site I lovingly refer to as Shagdar! He is handsome, sweet, kind and funny, and has a beautiful dog too, and they both came for a weekend to visit!
Well, the weekend didn't quite start as planned. Dave and the pooch were meant to arrive in London to stay with me from the Friday onward. Unfortunately, I met another Internet chat buddy of mine from Oslo on the Thursday afternoon as he was in town for the day/night. One thing lead to another, aided by lots of wine and vodka (not a good mix of booze!) and he stayed over for the night before heading off to Southampton the next day! And yes, during the course if the night, well lets just say it involved nudity and condoms!
Of course, I could have behaved like a scoundrel and not told Dave, but that's not me. Besides, I had the hangover from hell and needed a day to myself to recover! So Friday morning came, the nordic visitor left and I had to have a certain telephone conversation with young Dave!
He didn't take the news well. Well of course he didn't, I mean who the hell would! But, I explained to him that I beleived it to be a reaction to his keeness on our being together! What I haven't mentioned so far is that Dave was getting carried away with the whole thing and talking of moving to London. All this after only a few days online chatting! Of course, I stupidly didn't put the breaks on it either. After all, I was selfishly enjoying the attention and the flirtations!
Back to the weekend! Dave and I chatted long and hard on the phone, and the weekend resumed its normal course on the Saturday! The weekend was spent doing hand in hand walks in the park mainly for the pooch and my cooking dinner most evenings, including one amazing Sunday Lunch extravaganza for him and his friends. We had sex every night too, and I taught him a couple of new tricks. he said it was amazing and wants to do the same again! So it can't have been that bad, can it????
Sounds like the weekend was a success right? Well that's what I tried to make myself believe. But it wasn't, it was a total failure, and hence I'm now in a depression!
You see, I led this poor guy on. Dave had every good intention in his heart! But the penny dropped and hit home with such force on the Monday evening that I couldn't ignore it! The weekend had been a great success. But as we curled up on the sofa, watching romantic movies and him snuggling into me, all I could think of, every time there was a poignant, heart stopping moment, was my ex!
You see, I'm still in love with him!
I shouldn't be, he hurt me. But I fell head over heels then back again for this man. So why, even 6 months down the line is he affecting everything I do and causing me to feel like this so much that I'VE now become the bastard and I'm screwing up the lives of others, like Dave, who never asked for anything other than a chance!
And what has all this got to do with depression you may ask! Well, its seems its tripped one of my triggers, and now I can feel myself sliding downwards into the darkness of a foggy brain!
Keep in touch, this winter may be a gloomy one!
OK, so millions more do, and I'm not trying to take anything away from them, but this is my blog, so its my depression!
Its my partner, or rather my ex partner that is currently clogging up my thoughts and not allowing me to see things clearly.
I met an incredible young man (lets call him Dave for arguments/blog sake) on the Internet, through a very popular gay chat site I lovingly refer to as Shagdar! He is handsome, sweet, kind and funny, and has a beautiful dog too, and they both came for a weekend to visit!
Well, the weekend didn't quite start as planned. Dave and the pooch were meant to arrive in London to stay with me from the Friday onward. Unfortunately, I met another Internet chat buddy of mine from Oslo on the Thursday afternoon as he was in town for the day/night. One thing lead to another, aided by lots of wine and vodka (not a good mix of booze!) and he stayed over for the night before heading off to Southampton the next day! And yes, during the course if the night, well lets just say it involved nudity and condoms!
Of course, I could have behaved like a scoundrel and not told Dave, but that's not me. Besides, I had the hangover from hell and needed a day to myself to recover! So Friday morning came, the nordic visitor left and I had to have a certain telephone conversation with young Dave!
He didn't take the news well. Well of course he didn't, I mean who the hell would! But, I explained to him that I beleived it to be a reaction to his keeness on our being together! What I haven't mentioned so far is that Dave was getting carried away with the whole thing and talking of moving to London. All this after only a few days online chatting! Of course, I stupidly didn't put the breaks on it either. After all, I was selfishly enjoying the attention and the flirtations!
Back to the weekend! Dave and I chatted long and hard on the phone, and the weekend resumed its normal course on the Saturday! The weekend was spent doing hand in hand walks in the park mainly for the pooch and my cooking dinner most evenings, including one amazing Sunday Lunch extravaganza for him and his friends. We had sex every night too, and I taught him a couple of new tricks. he said it was amazing and wants to do the same again! So it can't have been that bad, can it????
Sounds like the weekend was a success right? Well that's what I tried to make myself believe. But it wasn't, it was a total failure, and hence I'm now in a depression!
You see, I led this poor guy on. Dave had every good intention in his heart! But the penny dropped and hit home with such force on the Monday evening that I couldn't ignore it! The weekend had been a great success. But as we curled up on the sofa, watching romantic movies and him snuggling into me, all I could think of, every time there was a poignant, heart stopping moment, was my ex!
You see, I'm still in love with him!
I shouldn't be, he hurt me. But I fell head over heels then back again for this man. So why, even 6 months down the line is he affecting everything I do and causing me to feel like this so much that I'VE now become the bastard and I'm screwing up the lives of others, like Dave, who never asked for anything other than a chance!
And what has all this got to do with depression you may ask! Well, its seems its tripped one of my triggers, and now I can feel myself sliding downwards into the darkness of a foggy brain!
Keep in touch, this winter may be a gloomy one!
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