After a weekend of self-imposed Isolation, I've finally faced up to a few things and started to get my head around what it is I have, what it is I need and what it is I want.
WHAT I HAVE. Well right now, not a great deal or at least in comparison to the 'I Need' list. It's unfair to say I have little. I do have lots because I'm not talking about material possessions. I have friends, amazing friends that are true and good, and there for me every step of the way.
My best friend Gary has just returned from a trip to Zurich to spend time with his partner who lives out there. I never realised just how much I missed him until his homecoming and we were able to catch up last week. His smiling face instantly put a smile upon mine, and I got to spend the whole day with him, so he lifted me immensely! He's my conscience, my guide and my ear. He never judges me; he's just there for me as I am for him. I wish everyone could have a 'Gary' in his or her life.
And John, in many ways a similar person to me. He's a Yorkshireman too, and the same age as me, though he'll argue he's younger, but only by three months. He's a chef; he hates his job and is looking for new challenges, just like me. He's my 'moaning' buddy, as all we do is moan about stuff when we're together, then berate each other for doing it, and laugh lots after! Its good to get things off your chest!
Then there is Steve. The most uncomplicated person in the whole world who is fantastic to talk too. He always gives it to you straight. No need for emotions (though he's not cold, just straightforward) We think alike on so many things, so its good to have him there, he can 'guide' my thoughts, much like a counsellor does.
Drugh. My Lovely Bear. Everyone refers to him as Bear. He is gorgeous, and cuddly and hairy. And he gives just the best hugs around. He has a heart bigger than anyone I know, and would stop at nothing if he knew he could in someway make you happier, or take all of your problems away. There was a time when it was thought that Bear and I would become an item, but it wasn't to be. And now, he has a wonderful partner who he loves and adores. I'm truly happy for him. I just wish he didn't live so far away, but I suppose it makes me treasure my time with him even more.
And Peter, champion blogger. An Internet chat buddy, who alas lives miles away in Manchester and whom I've never actually met. Its impossible to describe, but sometimes I feel closer to him than anyone! If he's not online, I often miss him.
So there you go, I actually have a hell of a lot, a lot more than most would have. In that respect, I'm lucky.
WHAT I NEED. I need all of the above. But I also need a lover, someone who I can share my life with. Jeremy Kyle and Trisha would argue against that and say I was wrong, that I don't need someone on my life to complete me. But what do they know. They're talking textbook gibberish. I know at my core instinct I need someone to care for. Someone I can spend my time with, share my bed with. Someone who I can make laugh, have silly conversations with and won't think I'm mad at some of the stupid things I say or do, but who will love me more for them! Believe it or not, I like to cook and clean for someone special. But don't get me wrong; it doesn't make me passive or submissive. I need most of all, someone who can challenge me on my own wavelength.
Most of all, I need someone who will care for me as I care for them. A lover who is a friend also, now that would be a gift to treasure for eternity.
WHAT DO I WANT? Well, again all of the above. But I now realise that until I get my head sorted out, it's not going to happen. After all, it is me that is putting up psychological barriers to future relationships, not anyone else who happens to be interested.
I want my head clear of all the rubbish that is currently occupying it! Well, maybe its not rubbish, all of my thoughts, just like anyone else's are valid. But I call it rubbish because it's clogging up my thinking like trash! I have managed to clear one part of it though; I'm not in love with Russell (the ex) anymore. I could never allow myself to be. And all thoughts of reconciliation are preposterous. I could never trust him with my heart again, I gave him too much of me, and he squandered it. I'm not angry with him either, just dreadfully disappointed. But I do still have love for him, and I miss him.
So I need space, from him, from me, and I think most of all from London. It's weird to think that in one of the greatest cities of the world, I feel like I'm becoming smaller. Like I'm shrinking into a background of banality. I feel that everyone is expecting me to behave in a certain way, like the sensible one that I always am. Yet I also feel that if I don't do something crazy, I may just go mad! I know how my brain works, and if I continue on this path, I also know I'll retreat into the dark place of my depression and stay there for quite sometime. And I don't want that again, the last one lasted for over a year, nearly 18 months, and I was not happy.
So here it is! A picture of a pond posted at the top of this blog. Actually, its not a pond, its a 15 acre lake, and it sits right outside my friend Mike's house in New Bedford, Massachusetts, USA. Mike says I can go out and stay with him for a while, a few months in fact, so I can get my head space and hopefully finish the book I'm meant to be (and failing at) writing. He also has a place on Martha's Vineyard, playground of the rich Bostonians, which in wintertime is only ever occupied by island residents. .
So. Am I running AWAY from something? From Russell? Or even perhaps the banal existence my life seems to have become? Or am I running TO something? A place where I can think and feel without pressure, and then can come back home to my beloved London, fresh as a daisy and ready to pick up where I left off, only better?
No comments:
Post a Comment