Size 19's

Sometimes I resent my own honesty!

The guy I spoke of last night, well I wanted him to know what he was getting involved in. Or rather who. Or at least the part of me that the world gets to see on here. I thought he would appreciate my candour. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do now, but I still stand by my actions.

You see, I directed him to this site, after I had written last nights piece.

Stupid; yes, or maybe no. He has a 'thing' shall we say for people being upfront and honest. I was hoping he would understand and accept I was ready to move on. Now it seems that he thinks maybe I'm moving too fast!

So I have to ask myself; am I? Have I made a subconcious decision that its time to leave my crap behind and begin a new chapter? I hope so. But I also wish someone would hurry up and invent a rule book!

I will never stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. But I am also beginning to think that shooting myself in the foot is not such a good idea!

I'm hoping, as I take him at face value and trust what he says to me, that all is not lost.

One Step Forward ...

... three steps back it seems!

There's a man. One of the 'out of towners'. I think he's incredibly special, but as the day of our meeting draws closer (about 10 hours from now), I'm suddenly right back where I was, wondering if I'm doing the right thing in meeting him.

You see, I'm not sure if its the right thing to do.

When I say incredibly special, its because I know he wants the same things I do, a long lasting, committed, monogamous and loving relationship. And why wouldn't he, he's sane. He makes me feel like a teenager, yet we've only chatted online and on the phone. I smile when I talk or even think of him. He's so upbeat and I like that. He's intelligent and witty, and he teases me. I love that in people, it shows a sense of fun and adventure, and especially as its usually me doing the teasing.

Its me. Same old crap, still surfacing. I'm now worrying that I'm rushing, and pushing, myself into this because I feel lonely and want to love and be loved again. I'm no longer sure where my head and my heart lies anymore, and that is worrying me more than anything!

So I'm now left asking myself; am I doing this because of the lonliness, or am I doing it because its right for me? Am I ready? The thing that has confused me more than anything is the knowledge that I bumped into my ex, quite inadvertently on Sunday evening, and to my surprise, although I looked at him and still thought of him as handsome and lovely as ever, I didn't yearn for him. I wasn't left bewildered or stunned, in fact I felt quite indifferent! And if I do meet him now and all of my crap is still surfacing, will I scare him away and have lost my one and only chance of ever finding any happiness?

Why can't these things ever be simple?

Oh, and before I go, I need to mention; this man, aside from all the qualities I've just mentioned, also happens to be as handsome as anyone I've ever seen and sexy to boot! Now that intimidates me!

The Lighter Side of Dark

The two reprobates to the right are my best friend Gary (left) and I. Yesterday we decided to meet up for a couple of beers at 6pm. As per usual, the couple of beers turned into what felt and tasted like a couple of gallons and resulted in me rolling (literally) home at around 1am this morning!

Above all other things, Gary and I know when its time for a fun night out, and one thing we know better than anything when we do have one, is how to laugh!

You see, Gary gives me licence to be as free thinking and outspoken as I like to be. He lets me go, no holds barred, and we're often able to turn a dark subject into a thing of comedy! The results can sometimes be hilarious. But for onlookers, it can be quite daunting!

Last night we hit the gay heart of London, Soho. The home of the freakishly daring and daringly freakish! Compton's, London's oldest gay pub and one of our favourite haunts is no exception to this. Gary had been chatting on the phone to his partner in Zurich before arriving. Dieter, his beautiful boyfriend was returning home from a weekend at his parents where his mother had announced she was dying and that it would probably be the last time any of her children saw her. Understandably he was upset.

But there is also another way of looking at it. Dieter is 44, and his mother 78. She's getting to that time when life does end and so should not be unexpected. I'm not trying to belittle death, its just it is a natural thing and comes to us all. We both accept this and therefore it was not really a heavy conversation for us!

However, the eavesdroppers and onlookers that also inhabit this certain little piece of fagland couldn't help but overhear our conversation. Its was when we hit the 'age' thing that the conversation took a turn.

I suddenly dropped into the conversation that as we were now both forty, we had offically entered our 'heart attack years'. We both giggled and remarked how we were also middle aged. Yet we still think and act as teenagers! I feel more like a 19 year old now than I did when I was that age! Odd isn't it that we should desperately try to grow up when we're young and at this one, refuse to let it go!

The true comedy in it though was the looks on the faces of all the surrounding queens. You see, I think 40ish would be an average age for Compton's. That sudden flash of horror as realisation of their own mortality dawned had us in fits! It seemed to set the tempo for the evening for us.

And it didn't stop there. It was a funny old night, and for someone who claims to not get enough sex, and who doesn't date often, I counted 6 ex-dates/boyfriends/shags all within the first 30 minutes. Now London is a large city, and the gay scene is thankfully quite diverse and widespread, but another friend and I did work out that the whole rule of 'six degrees of seperation' thing is actually reduced to just one degree in gay London. I just wish they hadn't all decided to come out on the same night to the same bar!!! Still, I'm not one for hiding my light under a bushel, and I've never been backwards at coming forwards. So I had to say 'Hello' to all of them and do the obligatory introductions! It never fails to amaze me, the predatory nature of some gay men. Within minutes, they were all chatting each other up!

A quick escape saw Gary and I heading up to the Kings Arms, home of the Bears, to see friends. Now this place needs to be noted for a couple of reasons alone. Firstly, this quaint old pub just off Oxford Street is tiny. Yet it is the desired venue for the largest of all gay men, Bears! Get 60 of them in there, and the place is packed. Now a bear is something of a mystery to most gay men. When I was growing up and setting my stall out in the kingdom of gay, a Bear was a man of a large frame, with a good body shape, not over muscled, and hairy and bearded. Nowadays, it just seems to be an excuse to be fat. And I'm not talking overweight here, I'm talking obese. HUGE bellies, ones that can enter a room at least three minutes before the remainder of the owner.

Now I like a larger gentlemen, but not this size. I mean how on earth are you (a) ever really going to be able to share a standard sized double bed, and (b) ever going to afford the grocery bill unless you're sitting in a bloody good salary bracket? I was even once affronted by a bear website user who had the nerve to say I was too small and slim to be a member of the site. Cheek, it is after all a site for Bears and their admirers, the latter I most definitely am. Now this man was one of the type I mentioned a few minutes ago. His profile photgraph happened to have a picture of him sitting on a sofa; topless. I therefore casually pointed out to him what a Bear was, and that I assumed his interpretation of exercise was opening the refrigerator door! Funnily enough, I never heard from him again.

The second thing worthy of mentioning about the Kings Arms is the size of the loo! This urinal would normally accommodate two average sized men, but with these guys in there, its one at a time! Now imagine the length of the queue when the bar is busy and they're all guzzling beer like there is no tomorrow. Still, that in itself can have its advantages, its means skinny old me can slip in there and not have to plait my legs.

One great thing of note last night though. David.

David and I have been chat buddies for quite some time. We're both on the back end of a relationship failure and as a result, hurting from it. Last night saw us actually being able to say hello in the real world for a change. What a lovely man he is, tall, dark and handsome, killer smile and lovely with it too! I am happy, I have a new friend.

Is He Out There?

I've just read a profile on a rather well known gay website where the owner (of the profile) boldly states that Mr Right, or Mr Perfect, does not exist! It sparked a rather healthy and heated debate between my house-mate and I!

You see. I don't believe he can or does exist. Or at least not the concept of him that we have grown up to expect. And this also goes for Miss Right/Perfect too. (for the record, I'm not being sexist, I'm just going to refer to Mr Right from now on, but its an organic concept, it could be Miss Right I'm talking of too!)

People also talk of 'Mr Right Now'. An even better concept for some people, it allows them the freedom to move from relationship to relationship. Or as I call it, an emotional cop-out! In order for this hypothesis to work, wouldn't the two people concerned have to sit down and discuss that 'Mr Right Now' was all they wanted. And if this was the case, wouldn't there be further implications? Like, if it is 'right now', do timescales have to be involved? Because at some point, surely 'Mr Right Now' has to pass and become 'Mr No Longer'. And what happens, as if invariably is the case, when one partner becomes more involved in the relationship than the other and his 'Mr Right Now' becomes his Mr Right'!

So in my mind, 'Mr Right Now' can't exist. Because sooner or later, emotions will run high and someone will get more than they bargained for, and someone will get less. Hearts will be broken and feelings crushed. No one should have to go through that.

We are all individuals, and as such have individual wants, needs and requirements. How could one perfect being fill ALL of the needs of ALL of the people. Impossible isn't it? Yet I do believe that the one exists out there for all of us!

We just have to recognise that we need to accept all of the things we see in people. Those quirks and foibles that we think are cute, which then become annoying and irksome. They are the things which go a long way to make up some of the initial attraction. Tempers can flare, and arguments will ensue. Little things will make us laugh and cry. A touch, a whisper, a hug, a smile. They should be treasured as no one thing can be the same. Once they pass, they're gone. People should never limit themselves to preconceived ideas about who and what they expect from others! Now I'm not saying that we should all give up our hopes and fantasies, I never would, I have far too many of my own. But prescribed lists of "do's and don'ts" are not the way forward. The only thing they will achieve are broken hearts and trails of disappointments.

People are like jigsaw puzzles. Its all the little pieces that make up the whole picture. But as its people we're talking about, I also have to say there will always be some pieces missing too. But they're not to worry us, because we will never see others as they see themselves.

So what I'm looking for is my own 'Mr Right', only I've decided to call him 'Mr Right For Me'! I know he exists, and I intend to find him.

This just cracked me up!

Yorkshire Airlines

London Buses

Isn't it amazing what difference a couple of days can make to completely turn everything you thought onto its head!

When I was in the midst of what appeared to be a personal drought on the dating front, just like London buses, they all turn up at once! Not only has one available seemingly decent human being popped his head up on the net, than a whole glut of them have appeared all within a 16 hour period! Five men in total suddenly seem interested in yours truly.

Now I'm not one to complain, but even by my own flirtatious standards, this has to be a bit of a record!

Without even trying, or casting my net further afield, they have all approached me! Ok I hear you asking, whats wrong with them, well nothing really, except none of them live in London.

Now I'm not averse to long distance relationships, I've had three in the past. But do note, the operative word in that sentence is 'had'! None of them have worked. My longest of two years was also the most exhaustive. It was a proper full on NYLON relationship. That's New York and London for those not in the know. A long weekend here and a long weekend there each month not only fried my brains, but also melted my credit cards!

Now I can understand anyone reading this thinking, "Oh no! Another one bites the dust before its even got going" . Well, not true. As I said, I'm not averse, and for the right man I would up sticks and move in a second.

After all, that's how I ended up in my beloved London! But then that's another story entirely!

Turkey Lurkey

As much as I claim to hate Americans and all things U.S. of A, I have to admit I have many friends that are of that particular persuasion. So today I would just like to say a little about Thanksgiving.

In a nation of immigrants, its rare that a country can manage to maintain, or create, its own identity! Remember the Americas were only discovered in the 15th century. Or at least that's what history teaches us. The Vikings (albeit briefly) were the first settlers 400 years earlier.

I digress. Enough of the history lesson.

The USA only has two national holidays that are of its own creation. Labor Day and Thanksgiving. I'm going to ignore Independence Day in this as many countries have a national day. Australia has Australia Day (funnily enough!) each January. In New Zealand, they have Waitangi Day each February.

I have issues with Labor Day. Firstly, its the way its spelt. Come on guys, this is the ENGLISH Language, so use it properly! Words have the letter 'u' in them after the 'o' for a reason, it helps with pronunciation. Secondly, most of the world works for a living. Is that really a reason to have a national holiday??? I think not.

Thanksgiving however is different. It does actually celebrate something. It celebrates the coming together of two nations. The indigenous people and true landowners of America and the Settlers. The latter we should remember were saved from starvation and failure and then went on to rape, pillage, murder and displace.

To this day, restitution has still not been made.

It also marks the start of the 'Holiday Season'. From now until New Year, North America is in full Christmas mode. And as much as I've just slated this time of year, I do enjoy it over there. We Brits complain that bigger is not always better. But at this time of year, well those yanks certainly know what they're doing! Christmas cheer is alive and well and has a Green Card!

So for my friends, Will & Des, Junior, Julie, Mrs V, Roger, Steve, Greg, Marsha, Jordan, Cissy & May, Ray, Bruce and last but by no means least, Ian.

I love you all dearly and wish you a happy happy day!

Reinvention

Reinvention.

Is it truly possible, as a human being; to be able to recognise all of your flaws and finally take one giant leap forward to leave everything you find undesirable about yourself behind? Or are we destined, as others believe, to continue to make the same mistakes over and over?

You see, even though I suffer from depression, I'm not one for depressive tendancies. There is a streak of optimism that runs through me which is a mile wide. I refuse to give in and accept that this is my lot. I'm not destined to be alone, I can't let that happen, but there are things I need to address. Its just the one thing I need to deal with above all others.

When Russell and I split, my beautiful friend Drugh came down from Preston to visit me and give me a much needed shoulder to cry on followed by a swift kick up the arse! And kick me he did. He's incredibly astute and reads people intuitively. One thing he said to me shocked me more than anything, and when I told my best friend of it the following day, he was in complete agreement with Drugh. He says I'm selfless that I always put others needs before my own.

I've thought of nothing else since. I've analysed my actions, revisited everything I've done in my past relationships, and I mean both types, sexual/loving ones and my friendships. He's right. I have an overwhelming desire to make sure that everyone around me is OK. No, better than OK. I put my own issues aside in order to ensure my friends and/or lovers receive the attention and support they need to get through the problems they face. No wonder no one ever recognises that I'm going through my own 'stuff', I'm hiding it from them.

And I mean I really am hiding it. I use other peoples issues to disguise my own. I am adept at turning conversations away from the subject of 'me'. So adept in fact, I can do it in one sentence during a conversation. I brush myself aside and let my low self esteem and issues of self worth remain out of sight and therefore out of mind. Well, theirs at least, but most certainly not mine!

So. I recognise now that I do all of this. But there is also a contributing factor which may result in the destruction of my own happiness. I don't know why, maybe subconciously I do this, but even when meeting people on dates, I have a knack, no a habit of getting into what really makes them tick. Not a bad thing you may think if you're dating, getting as much information about your prospective intended as possible. But I seem to get deeper into it. I get to know what troubles them, their fears, their insecurities, their own issues. People trust me, and open up to me. Before I know it, I have a new friend and I've lost out on a new relationship.

A wise friend of mine once said "only a fool would turn down the chance of a new friend". And he's right. Friends if they're the right ones become family, and I love my family, more so than my blood relatives. Yet I still continue to do this, and found myself doing the exact same thing last night! I've managed to turn a prospective lover into a friend, I'm now his confidante, his voice of reason. The person he turns to when he needs advice.

To top that, I have a very public facade. The party boy. The one person you can always rely on to be the life and soul of the party. Ready to drink, dance and chat the night away, and on the rare chance my libido is 'out of touch' with my brain and my morals, a bit of the other too! I am an outrageous flirt and I have confidence that knows no bounds, but rarely take it further than a good snog.

Whichever way I look at it, I seem to be building walls around me, never giving anything of myself away! Odd you may think, for a man who has no fear of opening his soul on the internet for millions to read (should you choose to). Well you would be wrong, because just as in my life, I display only the things I'm prepared to.

So my dilemma is, can an old dog learn new tricks! I suppose the answer should be yes. I've already recognised what the problem is, and even that it may be the root of all my evils, my inner demons. But is it possible for me now, to be able to learn enough to stop myself falling into old habits?

What can I say, if it were that easy, I would have given up smoking years ago!

Rock Bottom

I reread my last post. Talk about blathering on like an idiot. To me, it makes little sense, and I wrote the bloody thing! So I apologise for that.

Still, it does sort of tell me that I hit a 'rock-bottom' point in my current state. Maybe not a total rock-bottom, more of a 'getting there' type, but a few things have happended this week that have put my own crap into perspective.

You see, a friend of mine returned home the other evening to find his flatmate and best friend dead. A drug overdose. He's convinced it was intentional too, and he's told me why. Forgive me for not giving you details, but its very private to him and the friend he has tragically lost.

Talk about getting a much needed kick up the arse!

I've spent the last few days talking with him. Right now he is in a 'blame' period. He is distraught. He believes things he said has contributed to his death. He is of course, wrong. Suicide is a selfish act, and done without consideration of the aftermath it leaves for other people to contend with. It is rarely done on the spur of the moment, and is always planned.

It has left a huge gaping chasm in his heart and soul. The small tear in mine is nothing by comparison.

I think I'm on the way back up!

Lazy?

Gosh. This one seems to be a hard one today. I want to write, but it seems so much is getting on top of me lately!

2006 it appears has been, so far, a shit year. I'm not going to go into too much of it, because some physical matters can be resolved as soon as I get off my arse!!!

You see, as well as currently fighting a depression, I also have to contend with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) . So double fun for me, or rather, not.

Trouble is, both SAD and depression both have a side affect which is a major problem. Lethargy!

It makes it incredibly difficult to actually motivate myself to do any more than actually get up in the mornings! When I had my big depression, which incidentally also involved a breakdown, I found myself crawling further and further under the quilt each day! My bitch of a boss, EH, could never understand that by turning into work, I'd managed to acheive something that was a major challenge over come!

But, it does me give time to try and reflect on the things that are happening in my life! Especially where men are concerned. Its becoming more and more apparent to me each day that its this issue that I need to come to terms with more than anything!

So right now, rightly or wrongly, I've made the decision that men are the last thing I need to think about. Whether it be past, present or future lovers, I need to let them go and stop being so desperate. Thankfully, the SAD and depression have also knocked my libido for six. I feel about as sexual as a snail in hibernation!

So I've come to my crossroads. A place I know stand in and have to decide which route I'm going to take. Shall it be the USA and escape to get my breathing space or stay and fight? Keep facing my demons and hope that I come out on top!

Either way, my demons will always be here, so for now, I'm edging toward stay and fight!

On Reflection

I need to back track a little on what I've said before and put some records straight!

I've had a few comments about my relationship with my ex from people who have been incredibly supportive, but also don't know the bigger picture!

My ex is not a bad man! Quite the opposite.

I fell in love Russell. He came into my life when I least expected it and managed to reach and touch more parts of my soul than anyone ever has done before. I shall be eternally grateful for that and the fact that for a period of time, he was in my life!

He still is in my life in some ways. He and I will one day become friends. He knows I possibly know him better than anyone else, and he also knows he has seen more of the inner me than anyone. Even more so than my best friend. Though I'm sure in time that will change!

Russell is an incredible young man! In his short life he has seen and expereienced more than most people I know combined. He has taken knocks on the chin that others wouldn't be able to get up from. Yet he does, and he fights back. And with all these 'knocks', he continues to be a kind, gentle and loving soul. It is a pleasure to know him, and a joy to be a part of his world!

So Please, don't hate him, because I don't.