... three steps back it seems!There's a man. One of the 'out of towners'. I think he's incredibly special, but as the day of our meeting draws closer (about 10 hours from now), I'm suddenly right back where I was, wondering if I'm doing the right thing in meeting him.
You see, I'm not sure if its the right thing to do.
When I say incredibly special, its because I know he wants the same things I do, a long lasting, committed, monogamous and loving relationship. And why wouldn't he, he's sane. He makes me feel like a teenager, yet we've only chatted online and on the phone. I smile when I talk or even think of him. He's so upbeat and I like that. He's intelligent and witty, and he teases me. I love that in people, it shows a sense of fun and adventure, and especially as its usually me doing the teasing.
Its me. Same old crap, still surfacing. I'm now worrying that I'm rushing, and pushing, myself into this because I feel lonely and want to love and be loved again. I'm no longer sure where my head and my heart lies anymore, and that is worrying me more than anything!
So I'm now left asking myself; am I doing this because of the lonliness, or am I doing it because its right for me? Am I ready? The thing that has confused me more than anything is the knowledge that I bumped into my ex, quite inadvertently on Sunday evening, and to my surprise, although I looked at him and still thought of him as handsome and lovely as ever, I didn't yearn for him. I wasn't left bewildered or stunned, in fact I felt quite indifferent! And if I do meet him now and all of my crap is still surfacing, will I scare him away and have lost my one and only chance of ever finding any happiness?
Why can't these things ever be simple?
Oh, and before I go, I need to mention; this man, aside from all the qualities I've just mentioned, also happens to be as handsome as anyone I've ever seen and sexy to boot! Now that intimidates me!
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